I think understanding the dream crushers is helped by thinking of Javert in Les Mis. He has such a rigid ego-based view of the world - competition based on relative position in a moralistic view - that he is enraged by anyone challenging the validity of his system. Valjean is compassionate and "saved by grace," which in Javert's rule-bound world makes no sense. Javert's choice when he realizes Valjean does not fit into his rigid worldview is suicide.
The rigid ego cannot survive in change. Expansion of the self is death of the rigid ego. So the rigid ego fights to maintain status quo, taking out anyone it needs to as it defends its beliefs.
Excellent article! Sometimes our over-enthusiasm and ego do get in the way when it comes to accepting someone's comments, even if they are given out of good intentions. So I agree that the best way is to stay open and don't be defensive no matter what you hear.
It's also interesting to note that someone whom you deemed to be a good critic can also dish out bad critiques at other times. A good example is none other than ourselves! Recall times when you give genuine constructive comments to someone you like. And don't forget the other times when you give curt, unskillful comments to people you think little of, only to regret later. No one is perfect and what comes out of our mouth is highly dependent on our mood, our unconscious intentions, and even how hungry we are! :)
Imagine what the world would be like if there were more mentors and less meanies...Barbara teaches us that we each have gifts to share with the world and that it is our DUTY to do so. If we share our ideas (which are really our gifts asking for permission to come alive) with Meanies, the world may never benefit--which is a tragedy! Let us utilize these words of wisdom the next time we do encounter that meanie--kill 'em with curiosity!
This has happened to me more than once. I am one of those people that always has some great idea. I'm what Barbara calls a scanner. The impact of a nasty critic is awful. But I have to say that having an honest critic who wants to help is a godsend. My enthusiasm sometimes overwhelms my common sense. Bless the good critics - just be as kind as you can. Your squashing our dreams.
Great article. I actually think there are three kinds of critic: the good & bad as you've outlined here; and what I call the "well-meaning, but misguided".
Critics in this last category are people (often parents!) who genuinely want to protect you from a fall. They just do it in a terribly muddled, ham-fisted way.
When they see you getting really high with an idea, and find themselves doubting the possibility of turning that idea into reality, they pull you back down - sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, but usually with the motivation of (they believe) keeping you "safe".
The problem is, the reason they see your idea as impossible is that they're struggling to conceive of how *they* would/could turn it into reality - so they're failing to take full account of your own ability (they often fall into the category of people who struggle to see things from another's point of view).
That can leave you feeling doubly deflated - they've pierced the bubble of your bright idea, AND they've signalled to you that they don't believe you're fully capable. Ouch!
You can usually tell a critic in this category when you're experiencing criticism/negativity from them, but you're 100% confident that they do love you. Just because someone loves you, doesn't mean they can't trample right across your heart whilst believing they're doing you a favour. And of course, parents and "loved ones" can certainly fall into the other categories of critic, so you have to think very carefully about where they're coming from before you respond.
If you think someone is coming from the "well-meaning but misguided" place, there are two broad ways of dealing with them, I find: 1) Don't tell them your idea until it's at least part-way off the ground, and YOU feel very solid with it, and/or 2) Make sure you're communicating something that makes them feel safe on your behalf (e.g. Hi Dad, I lost my job so I'm going to train to be an astronaut; the great news is, I've saved so much money over the years, I could comfortably survive without a job until 2026!)
Basically, don't put your dream on the line to these people until you know you or they can cope with whatever comes up.
Of course, by far the most painful thing about this type of critic is - often because of who they are in your life - they're the very people we *want* to turn to for help and encouragement. But we're walking into trouble if we delude ourselves and actively seek that kind of help from someone who just isn't emotionally capable/strong enough to give it (yet). Which is why building our own trusted support systems (e.g. Barbara's brilliant idea of Success Teams) is just so vital.
Great advice Barbara about replacing your sensitivity with curiosity when confronted with a critic, whether they are a good one or bad one, or whehter you haven't yet determined WHICH variety of critic they are!
When we're forming a new idea, many of us feel vulnerable until that idea takes actual (& successful!) shape in the world. It's easy to melt into a puddle of sensitive reactions when someone kaiboshes your budding idea, especially if you're prone to feeling vulnerable and sensitive to begin with.
If your usual knee-jerk reaction is to shoot directly into "sensitive" mode, it may take some time and practice to genuinely convert to the "curious reaction" approach. But I can see how it would be well worth it. Standing strong for yourself in support of your own ideas, by asking your critics "why" and "how" in an open and undefensive manner, is a crucial first step in being able to determine who the helpful critics are, and who are the harmful ones.
Figure out whether your critic's comments come from a place of genuine wisdom and concern for your well-being before taking anything they say to heart.
All the experts tell you to write posts on your blogs regularly, and, as you know, I don't. But one thing they forget to tell me (or I might post more often) that I'm always reminded of when I finally do put up a post: I get the most incredible comments!
Thank you all for your wonderful, thoughtful comments. I love them. I think people who come here to read my posts get real help from them. And I think I probably have the smartest readers of anyone in Blogland.
Thank you for being a champion of dreams.
ReplyDeleteI think understanding the dream crushers is helped by thinking of Javert in Les Mis. He has such a rigid ego-based view of the world - competition based on relative position in a moralistic view - that he is enraged by anyone challenging the validity of his system. Valjean is compassionate and "saved by grace," which in Javert's rule-bound world makes no sense. Javert's choice when he realizes Valjean does not fit into his rigid worldview is suicide.
The rigid ego cannot survive in change. Expansion of the self is death of the rigid ego. So the rigid ego fights to maintain status quo, taking out anyone it needs to as it defends its beliefs.
Excellent article! Sometimes our over-enthusiasm and ego do get in the way when it comes to accepting someone's comments, even if they are given out of good intentions. So I agree that the best way is to stay open and don't be defensive no matter what you hear.
ReplyDeleteIt's also interesting to note that someone whom you deemed to be a good critic can also dish out bad critiques at other times. A good example is none other than ourselves! Recall times when you give genuine constructive comments to someone you like. And don't forget the other times when you give curt, unskillful comments to people you think little of, only to regret later. No one is perfect and what comes out of our mouth is highly dependent on our mood, our unconscious intentions, and even how hungry we are! :)
Imagine what the world would be like if there were more mentors and less meanies...Barbara teaches us that we each have gifts to share with the world and that it is our DUTY to do so. If we share our ideas (which are really our gifts asking for permission to come alive) with Meanies, the world may never benefit--which is a tragedy! Let us utilize these words of wisdom the next time we do encounter that meanie--kill 'em with curiosity!
ReplyDeleteThis has happened to me more than once. I am one of those people that always has some great idea. I'm what Barbara calls a scanner. The impact of a nasty critic is awful. But I have to say that having an honest critic who wants to help is a godsend. My enthusiasm sometimes overwhelms my common sense. Bless the good critics - just be as kind as you can. Your squashing our dreams.
ReplyDeleteGreat article. I actually think there are three kinds of critic: the good & bad as you've outlined here; and what I call the "well-meaning, but misguided".
ReplyDeleteCritics in this last category are people (often parents!) who genuinely want to protect you from a fall. They just do it in a terribly muddled, ham-fisted way.
When they see you getting really high with an idea, and find themselves doubting the possibility of turning that idea into reality, they pull you back down - sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, but usually with the motivation of (they believe) keeping you "safe".
The problem is, the reason they see your idea as impossible is that they're struggling to conceive of how *they* would/could turn it into reality - so they're failing to take full account of your own ability (they often fall into the category of people who struggle to see things from another's point of view).
That can leave you feeling doubly deflated - they've pierced the bubble of your bright idea, AND they've signalled to you that they don't believe you're fully capable. Ouch!
You can usually tell a critic in this category when you're experiencing criticism/negativity from them, but you're 100% confident that they do love you. Just because someone loves you, doesn't mean they can't trample right across your heart whilst believing they're doing you a favour. And of course, parents and "loved ones" can certainly fall into the other categories of critic, so you have to think very carefully about where they're coming from before you respond.
If you think someone is coming from the "well-meaning but misguided" place, there are two broad ways of dealing with them, I find: 1) Don't tell them your idea until it's at least part-way off the ground, and YOU feel very solid with it, and/or 2) Make sure you're communicating something that makes them feel safe on your behalf (e.g. Hi Dad, I lost my job so I'm going to train to be an astronaut; the great news is, I've saved so much money over the years, I could comfortably survive without a job until 2026!)
Basically, don't put your dream on the line to these people until you know you or they can cope with whatever comes up.
Of course, by far the most painful thing about this type of critic is - often because of who they are in your life - they're the very people we *want* to turn to for help and encouragement. But we're walking into trouble if we delude ourselves and actively seek that kind of help from someone who just isn't emotionally capable/strong enough to give it (yet). Which is why building our own trusted support systems (e.g. Barbara's brilliant idea of Success Teams) is just so vital.
Does that make sense?
Great advice Barbara about replacing your sensitivity with curiosity when confronted with a critic, whether they are a good one or bad one, or whehter you haven't yet determined WHICH variety of critic they are!
ReplyDeleteWhen we're forming a new idea, many of us feel vulnerable until that idea takes actual (& successful!) shape in the world. It's easy to melt into a puddle of sensitive reactions when someone kaiboshes your budding idea, especially if you're prone to feeling vulnerable and sensitive to begin with.
If your usual knee-jerk reaction is to shoot directly into "sensitive" mode, it may take some time and practice to genuinely convert to the "curious reaction" approach. But I can see how it would be well worth it. Standing strong for yourself in support of your own ideas, by asking your critics "why" and "how" in an open and undefensive manner, is a crucial first step in being able to determine who the helpful critics are, and who are the harmful ones.
Figure out whether your critic's comments come from a place of genuine wisdom and concern for your well-being before taking anything they say to heart.
All the experts tell you to write posts on your blogs regularly, and, as you know, I don't. But one thing they forget to tell me (or I might post more often) that I'm always reminded of when I finally do put up a post: I get the most incredible comments!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your wonderful, thoughtful comments. I love them. I think people who come here to read my posts get real help from them. And I think I probably have the smartest readers of anyone in Blogland.