Saturday, November 8, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
"Hanging Out" registration opens today until November 16
Hi there,
'Hanging Out' is a kind of miracle, my newest strategy for overcoming Resistance. I'm so proud of it I can hardly read the letters I get from members without getting emotional.
Read about it, watch the video below, and sign up here:
I know this about 'Hanging Out:' some of the things we need in life, the most important things, the ones that give us clarity and courage and give us back our authentic selves, take time. They also take safety and companionship. And kindness. Some fascinating explorations, and a few laughs.
I call 'Hanging Out' Identity Rehab.
I can't explain how it works any better than I could at the beginning. I'll just say that it took more time and care than anything else I've done, and that I have never loved working on anything more. (And if I get my next book in the can, I'm going to work on another year of 'Hanging Out!')
When you've been part of it and people ask what it was, all you can say is, "You had to be there."
Well, a few people have said more. They gave me permission to quote their comments from 'Hanging Out.' You decide. If you want to come on board, do it right now or you might forget that November 16 (when the clock strikes midnight in NY) is the real deadline and you'll have to wait many months until your next chance.
Success Teams leaders (you wonderful guides and midwives for everyone's dreams!), watch your email for a hefty discount on 'Hanging Out.' I want you to experience this.
I'll let these comments say goodbye for now:
This ["What If an Idea is a Work of Art? Or a Good Joke?"] is an amazing post. I had to read it slowly and even re-read it. Then I actually saw my thoughts as a beautiful stained-glass window in my mind's eye...incredible. This is my favourite inspirational post in all of Hanging Out. Thank-you Barbara!
- Sue
Hanging out with you on Fridays is like taking a warm, richly-scented bath while eating chocolate and reading an absorbing book. So many delights all at once to feed our senses. Thank you for reminding me there is so much still to learn and to live for.
- Jay
The [Wednesday] identity exercises are steep hills though when embraced are a breath of fresh air. Just to say I like the pace of Hanging Out...it's thoughtful and helpful and challenging.
- Shelley
My inner and outer life has shifted and is beginning to bloom. Barbara...YOU are truly an original. A special soul that brings life, light, imagination, dreams, and freedom to a world that seems confining. You blast through illusion of a limited life. You have been one of the true hallmarks of my life.
- Terre
Thank you Barbara. Again. This is why I am hanging out with you. My life is nearly being swallowed up by the needs of others right now and this simple action can keep my creativity flowing and also keep me from feeling like a victim!
- Katie
Thank you Barbara (and everyone else that has posted!) for the encouragement to hear my own voice again this week and furthermore, to dare and listen to it. :-)
- Christina
What part was most valuable for me? This is hard to answer, because all the elements of Hanging Out were important to me. The videos, the exercises, the audio, the links to resources...I wouldn't change any of these. But I have to say - the conference calls - during every one of them I shed tears. I found the calls to be the most powerful and moving element of Hanging Out, for me. I could identify with so many of the callers and their stories. And even though I have read and re-read most of your books, Barbara...the things you said on these calls jolted me awake, turned my head and sometimes make me laugh out loud. [Note: the phone calls -- 6 a year -- are a special treat for members in Year Two of Hanging Out.]
- Sue
I've had a habit of trying to figure out the reason for my place on earth, to 'find' greatness, and it now seems obvious and a relief to realise that what seems important to me on any given day is enough. The moments spent following my heart and 'using' my particular gift/s will add up to a life well lived. And Hanging Out has a wonderful 'small step' set-up. :-)
- Fiona
Reading these posts has helped me to feel connected again. Isolation IS the dream killer.
- Jay
Come connect with me, and with lots of other wonderful people, through Hanging Out (registration is today through Nov. 16!)
Yours,
Barbara Sher
'Hanging Out' is a kind of miracle, my newest strategy for overcoming Resistance. I'm so proud of it I can hardly read the letters I get from members without getting emotional.
Read about it, watch the video below, and sign up here:
I know this about 'Hanging Out:' some of the things we need in life, the most important things, the ones that give us clarity and courage and give us back our authentic selves, take time. They also take safety and companionship. And kindness. Some fascinating explorations, and a few laughs.
I call 'Hanging Out' Identity Rehab.
I can't explain how it works any better than I could at the beginning. I'll just say that it took more time and care than anything else I've done, and that I have never loved working on anything more. (And if I get my next book in the can, I'm going to work on another year of 'Hanging Out!')
When you've been part of it and people ask what it was, all you can say is, "You had to be there."
Well, a few people have said more. They gave me permission to quote their comments from 'Hanging Out.' You decide. If you want to come on board, do it right now or you might forget that November 16 (when the clock strikes midnight in NY) is the real deadline and you'll have to wait many months until your next chance.
Success Teams leaders (you wonderful guides and midwives for everyone's dreams!), watch your email for a hefty discount on 'Hanging Out.' I want you to experience this.
I'll let these comments say goodbye for now:
This ["What If an Idea is a Work of Art? Or a Good Joke?"] is an amazing post. I had to read it slowly and even re-read it. Then I actually saw my thoughts as a beautiful stained-glass window in my mind's eye...incredible. This is my favourite inspirational post in all of Hanging Out. Thank-you Barbara!
- Sue
Hanging out with you on Fridays is like taking a warm, richly-scented bath while eating chocolate and reading an absorbing book. So many delights all at once to feed our senses. Thank you for reminding me there is so much still to learn and to live for.
- Jay
The [Wednesday] identity exercises are steep hills though when embraced are a breath of fresh air. Just to say I like the pace of Hanging Out...it's thoughtful and helpful and challenging.
- Shelley
My inner and outer life has shifted and is beginning to bloom. Barbara...YOU are truly an original. A special soul that brings life, light, imagination, dreams, and freedom to a world that seems confining. You blast through illusion of a limited life. You have been one of the true hallmarks of my life.
- Terre
Thank you Barbara. Again. This is why I am hanging out with you. My life is nearly being swallowed up by the needs of others right now and this simple action can keep my creativity flowing and also keep me from feeling like a victim!
- Katie
Thank you Barbara (and everyone else that has posted!) for the encouragement to hear my own voice again this week and furthermore, to dare and listen to it. :-)
- Christina
What part was most valuable for me? This is hard to answer, because all the elements of Hanging Out were important to me. The videos, the exercises, the audio, the links to resources...I wouldn't change any of these. But I have to say - the conference calls - during every one of them I shed tears. I found the calls to be the most powerful and moving element of Hanging Out, for me. I could identify with so many of the callers and their stories. And even though I have read and re-read most of your books, Barbara...the things you said on these calls jolted me awake, turned my head and sometimes make me laugh out loud. [Note: the phone calls -- 6 a year -- are a special treat for members in Year Two of Hanging Out.]
- Sue
I've had a habit of trying to figure out the reason for my place on earth, to 'find' greatness, and it now seems obvious and a relief to realise that what seems important to me on any given day is enough. The moments spent following my heart and 'using' my particular gift/s will add up to a life well lived. And Hanging Out has a wonderful 'small step' set-up. :-)
- Fiona
Reading these posts has helped me to feel connected again. Isolation IS the dream killer.
- Jay
Come connect with me, and with lots of other wonderful people, through Hanging Out (registration is today through Nov. 16!)
Yours,
Barbara Sher
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Resistance Whisperer Tells All!
Here's the newsletter I sent out last night (in case you missed it).
I'm giving only one more notice for those who want to be in a coach
training with me. The last one begins Nov 15, 2014. That's only about 10
days from now, and the class is almost full, so I thought I'd post the
information here for those who don't get my announcements.
Resistance Whisperer Tells All!
First, I love to work with Resistance. I mostly love the success rate of my methods (which is close to 100% as you've noticed on my Resistance Teleconference Workshops, or my retreats).
Second, when it comes to winning over Resistance I don't advise what everyone else seems to advise:
For instance:
- You won't hear a word out of me about the power of positive thinking, or making yourself believe something (even that you yourself are wonderful and lovable). If you've read my books or been in 'Hanging Out (with Barbara Sher)' or at my Frankfurter Ring Coach Trainings or Scanner Retreats you have seen this truth over and over: Believe what you like. Personally, when I'm sick I prefer my doctor to give me the kind of medicine that works whether I believe in it or not.
- I don't believe mere humans can muscle Resistance down, either, so don't look for this kind of thing if you're working with me: 'Try harder,' 'Keep trying,' 'Just do it," or 'Where's your guts, you sissy?' It's very bracing if you're on a football team, but I never was on a football team, so I gave up on it a long time ago: I've always found 'Self-Discipline' to be a contradiction in terms.
- And I refuse to go near anything like, 'Expect it from the universe.' Maybe the universe actually gives us stuff, I have no idea about that. But if it does, it also gives us the flu, flat tires, and Daylight Savings Time. I just don't talk to the universe at all. But I'm very happy to talk to you.
I'd really like to know. Just hit Reply and your answer will come right into my inbox. And I'll answer it. Really. (If possible, in my next newsletter in a few days.)
If you wish you had a coach like me, I thank you. I'm trying to make sure there will be some Barbara Sher coaches in this world after I stop working. I'm hoping to send out about 100 of the best I've found. I need only a few more to meet that goal.
If you want to be one of those coaches, and work with me personally to learn my coaching methods, you'll have to sign up really soon for my upcoming, final coach training. It starts in less than two weeks!
If you missed your last newsletter, here are a couple of videos (in English and German) from my conference call about "Should you be a coach?"
And here's a new one I think you'll enjoy, from a wonderful workshop in Berlin in March of this year. It's about my methods, short and sweet:
Some people come to my trainings who don't want to be coaches, and I welcome them too. If you've found that my books and other works have helped you and you simply want to have a great, productive life for yourself, without being stopped by Resistance, that's okay with me, too. Sign up for the coaching class while there's still room.
In case you didn't read your last newsletter, let me say this again: I am retiring from doing intensive in-person trainings like these after this coach training. I've already stopped running my 6-day retreats, and in a little over 10 months, this training will end and I won't be teaching in person any more. If you wish you could be in this class, I want to see you there.
Coaches who want to train with me are already natural coaches, and I don't want to miss the chance to train naturally talented people. The world needs good coaches too much!
Fortunately, lots of you did read my last newsletter and I am delighted to know I'll be shaking your hand in two weeks!
But if you're Resisting taking action on this, let's change that right now! Contact the Frankfurter Ring - just for information! - before you move on to the next thing in your inbox!
This information is available in German too.
There are a number of strategy levels for overcoming Resistance, from the simple Tips and Tricks we all know (use a timer, give yourself a reward), all the way through methods I've developed that melt Resistance on the spot, when it's really really important (like on an audition, a job interview or a first date!). And even one more level than that.
Hanging Out with Barbara Sher new member registration is open today through November 16.
'Hanging Out' is a kind of miracle, my newest strategy for overcoming Resistance. I'm so proud of it I can hardly read the letters I get from members without getting emotional.
Read about it, watch the video below, and sign up here:
That wasn't a change of subject. 'Hanging Out' is a kind of miracle, my newest strategy for overcoming Resistance. I'm so proud of it I can hardly read the letters I get from members without getting emotional.
I know this about 'Hanging Out:' some of the things we need in life, the most important things, the ones that give us clarity and courage and give us back our authentic selves, take time. They also take safety and companionship. And kindness. Some fascinating explorations, and a few laughs.
I call 'Hanging Out' Identity Rehab.
I can't explain how it works any better than I could at the beginning. I'll just say that it took more time and care than anything else I've done, and that I have never loved working on anything more. (And if I get my next book in the can, I'm going to work on another year of 'Hanging Out!')
When you've been part of it and people ask what it was, all you can say is, "You had to be there."
Well, a few people have said more. They gave me permission to quote their comments from 'Hanging Out.' You decide. If you want to come on board, do it right now or you might forget that November 16 (when the clock strikes midnight in NY) is the real deadline and you'll have to wait many months until your next chance.
Success Teams leaders (you wonderful guides and midwives for everyone's dreams!), watch your email for a hefty discount on 'Hanging Out.' I want you to experience this.
I'll let these comments say goodbye for now:
This ["What If an Idea is a Work of Art? Or a Good Joke?"] is an amazing post. I had to read it slowly and even re-read it. Then I actually saw my thoughts as a beautiful stained-glass window in my mind's eye...incredible. This is my favourite inspirational post in all of Hanging Out. Thank-you Barbara!
- Sue
Hanging out with you on Fridays is like taking a warm, richly-scented bath while eating chocolate and reading an absorbing book. So many delights all at once to feed our senses. Thank you for reminding me there is so much still to learn and to live for.
- Jay
The [Wednesday] identity exercises are steep hills though when embraced are a breath of fresh air. Just to say I like the pace of Hanging Out...it's thoughtful and helpful and challenging.
- Shelley
My inner and outer life has shifted and is beginning to bloom. Barbara...YOU are truly an original. A special soul that brings life, light, imagination, dreams, and freedom to a world that seems confining. You blast through illusion of a limited life. You have been one of the true hallmarks of my life.
- Terre
Thank you Barbara. Again. This is why I am hanging out with you. My life is nearly being swallowed up by the needs of others right now and this simple action can keep my creativity flowing and also keep me from feeling like a victim!
- Katie
Thank you Barbara (and everyone else that has posted!) for the encouragement to hear my own voice again this week and furthermore, to dare and listen to it. :-)
- Christina
What part was most valuable for me? This is hard to answer, because all the elements of Hanging Out were important to me. The videos, the exercises, the audio, the links to resources...I wouldn't change any of these. But I have to say - the conference calls - during every one of them I shed tears. I found the calls to be the most powerful and moving element of Hanging Out, for me. I could identify with so many of the callers and their stories. And even though I have read and re-read most of your books, Barbara...the things you said on these calls jolted me awake, turned my head and sometimes make me laugh out loud. [Note: the phone calls -- 6 a year -- are a special treat for members in Year Two of Hanging Out.]
- Sue
I've had a habit of trying to figure out the reason for my place on earth, to 'find' greatness, and it now seems obvious and a relief to realise that what seems important to me on any given day is enough. The moments spent following my heart and 'using' my particular gift/s will add up to a life well lived. And Hanging Out has a wonderful 'small step' set-up. :-)
- Fiona
Reading these posts has helped me to feel connected again. Isolation IS the dream killer.
- Jay
Come connect with me, and with lots of other wonderful people, through Hanging Out or in person in Frankfurt starting November 15, 2014.
Yours,
Barbara Sher
Barbara Sher is a world-renowned authority on identifying goals, finding drive and motivation, and avoiding resistance the natural way. (She does not believe in positive thinking, creating realities or the 'male, military model' of overcoming inner blocks.) She has 5 best-selling books in more than a dozen languages (including German), lively videos on YouTube to explain her work and Barbara's Club with online courses, book clubs, and a free Idea Party. Sher is an inspiring speaker who has been called 'a standup comic with a message' and 'the godmother of life coaching.'
email: barbara@barbarasher.com
web: http://www.barbarasher.com
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Sunday, December 15, 2013
Why I'm happy to be called The Resistance Whisperer
Monty Roberts is my hero.
When someone at one of my WriteSpeak retreats in 2009 called me the Resistance Whisperer I loved it and I knew there was truth in it. I learned everything I know about resistance the same way Monty Roberts learned what really goes on with horses: I watched for a very long time, with complete attention and deep respect. I trusted 'what is' and not what my culture told me 'should be.'
He knew horses didn't need to be 'broken,' and proved he was right. I know that overcoming resistance has nothing to do with will power and I prove I'm right every time I run a Resistance Workshop.
History of Resistance Workshops done on the telephone.
It all began with a plan to do one telephone workshop on July 20. (I had August set aside to write the proposal for my next book.) But the people who were supposed to be running it used some kind of new recording devices, and didn't expect over 150 people to pour in, and the result was a fine disaster the night of July 20, 2013. No telephone workshop.
Whoever contacted me got rain checks and was asked to do their best to get refunds, and if they couldn't, they'd get the teleworkshop for free. Throughout August, I wrote everyone I could find and answered all emails, trying to straighten everything out. Everyone I corresponded with was just terrific. They put in a lot of effort trying to get their refunds but most people never got them. In fact, only 1 person got a refund for sure and I think that was a mistake. (Did you know that paypal doesn't consider any real unless it fits into a box? That's true! That's what they told everyone! No refunds from them.) And the people who didn't deliver the workshop I had promised kept all the money.
You don't spend decades showing that you can be trusted and allow that kind of situation to stand, so even though it ate up all of August (I'm only starting to write my book proposal this week - and that's not an excuse! :-)) I did everything I could to get in touch with the people who had signed up for the original teleworkshop. However the people who kept the money also kept the mailing list, so I had no way of knowing who had signed up.
But you know what? I'm actually glad it happened. I got to know a lot of great people. It was more satisfying than I could have expected.
I wrote and answered personally a lot of emails and then, on the last day of August and twice in September, with the deft help of my Hero Techie, Patty Newbold, I ran 3 Telephone Workshops to deliver what I had promised. I think the general consensus was that I delivered what was promised and I got a lot of great emails afterwards. One of these days I'll go find them and put a few right here for you to see. I'm proud of them.
And then I did more Resistance Telephone Workshops
I even did a second round. I didn't want to repeat my lecture - in fact I hoped I wouldn't do a lecture at all, just work with individuals on the phone. I know from emails I get later that lots of people who did no more than quietly listen were feeling emotions as well, and working their way through big blocks right along with those I was talking to.
But I did an opener anyway, mostly about the resistance to happiness and success.
I haven't scheduled more yet, but I will.
Here's how they work:
First we announce the date of the next Resistance Teleclass in a newsletter. If you're not on my mailing list, head over to http://www.geniuspress.com and you'll see the sign up place on the bottom of the home page.
You can also head over to www.barbarasclub.com/courses right now and you'll know whatever you need to know.
Then you sign up and receive your link to the private page for that date. There you'll find the instructions for what number to call, access codes, and a place to ask questions and leave comments. (You can - usually - call in for free from anywhere in the world with Skype.)
On the right date we have our two-hour TeleWorkshop. If you can't join us, the recording is posted on the same page, usually in less than an hour, and available to you for 90 days.
For about 45 minutes or an hour I talk about Resistance and explain a very different (and waaay better) theory than any other I know of. It's impossible to be modest. Getting this knowledge has taken decades of experience. Learning to distinguish between what sounds good in theory and what actually works, is what matters.
And then, when I'm through with the lecture, we go to work on resistance problems.
That's when the fun begins. The rest of the 2-hour session is taken up with solving individual problems.
I love it. People have different versions of where and when they resist doing things they long to do. Their stories are fascinating. I ask questions, we talk, and I can hear people in the background quietly responding (occasionally sniffling) because they're getting eye-openers too. I ask for more questions, get great ones, and talk to as many people as I can.
What happens to the people who didn't have time to talk or ask their questions? During or after the teleclass, they head over to that private page and start typing comments, asking their questions (or offering great answers and information to people who had spoken).
Because when a workshop is over, it ain't over.
After we all hang up, I head over to those comments and for the next few days I do my best to answer them.
It's great technology. When I was your age we had to shout out the window! :-) (Sorry about that. I couldn't resist.)
I just finished answering the comments from last night a few hours ago and I'm heading back to see if there are any more that just showed up. I want those questions. They remind me to talk about what I might not have included. They help me think even more deeply about new aspects of this huge problem called Resistance. And, like all good questions, they pull new information into the mix from everyone in the group. (Last night Patty told one of the attendees who longed to travel, but couldn't find a good-enough job to pay for her trips, about a totally perfect job that *included* travel (!) she'd learned about years ago. It took the person's breath away, and ours too. She's getting ready to contact the right people today.)
Did I say 'Isolation is the dream killer,' yet?
As far as I'm concerned, that beats the hell out of 'Just try harder,' or 'Build your will power!' or 'Sit down and do it!'
Those things never worked. Even athletes, who may be the hardest working, most 'disciplined' models of 'never stop trying,' have coaches to get them out of bed and on the track. As some anonymous wise person has reminded us, even the Lone Ranger had Tonto.
Isolation is the dream killer, folks. Don't do it yourself anymore. Time is not endless and dreams are important.
Next:
I have one more Resistance TeleWorkshop planned: January 12 of 2014. You can head over to www.barbarasclub.com/courses and check it out.
(After that I really have to get to work on that book proposal.)
:-)
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Chef wants to go to Asian Orphanage to teach kids to cook
Just looking for a place to send people in the Twitter Idea Party (go to Twitter, search for #ideaparty) to show them that there's only one degree of separation. If you state your wish and your obstacle to enough people, someone will know the right person.
This is Freda. She used to run an orphanage and now has moved to a direct way of helping families in the Himalayas one by one. I sometimes run teleclasses to raise money for her project because she's the real McCoy: no administrative staff, no overhead, just her and her husband working their fingers to the bone. Come to think of it, I wonder if she has someone helping her with her emails? Like this one:
Hi All
Buy some Karma and donate to us today and really make a difference, this is not just some Charity it is a real organisation that works at the SHARP with real people changing real lives.
So many of you know about the work that we do and how difficult it is for us in the area that we work. During the last few weeks our own country has had dreadful incidences that many of us never thought possible. We are rebuilding trust and care in UK. I realise that it is difficult for us to think of others when there is so much going on in our own lives and country. I ask you though to just take a few minutes to THINK about how Hi-Cap UK have improved lives, we need your help to continue to do so.
What could you buy with £2? Not so much as a lipstick or a posh box of chocolates in these recession-laden times. But £2 per month is all that’s needed in the impoverished Himalayan regions of Nepal to lift a woman and her family out of grinding hardship.
You can change a life for the cost of a monthly cappuccino!
Many Himalayan mothers are left to fend for themselves because they have been abandoned by their husbands or he has died, which is very common due to the dangerous manual work undertaken by men in this mountain region. With no education and no health system in place, every day is a struggle for survival.
Regular funding is really important to us it helps us to plan our projects.
Therefore please go to our website where you can download a Standing Order Form which you can complete and give to your bank or it can be set on line. www.himalayanculturalconservation.org
OR
Even easier and it takes just few minutes to donate by text using:
Text HCAP11 £5 to 70070 to donate to Hi-Cap UK and make a difference today.
Freda Casagrande
Founder and Manager
Hi-Cap UK
07968524379
01206791591
www.himalayanculturalconservation.org
This is Freda. She used to run an orphanage and now has moved to a direct way of helping families in the Himalayas one by one. I sometimes run teleclasses to raise money for her project because she's the real McCoy: no administrative staff, no overhead, just her and her husband working their fingers to the bone. Come to think of it, I wonder if she has someone helping her with her emails? Like this one:
Hi All
Buy some Karma and donate to us today and really make a difference, this is not just some Charity it is a real organisation that works at the SHARP with real people changing real lives.
So many of you know about the work that we do and how difficult it is for us in the area that we work. During the last few weeks our own country has had dreadful incidences that many of us never thought possible. We are rebuilding trust and care in UK. I realise that it is difficult for us to think of others when there is so much going on in our own lives and country. I ask you though to just take a few minutes to THINK about how Hi-Cap UK have improved lives, we need your help to continue to do so.
What could you buy with £2? Not so much as a lipstick or a posh box of chocolates in these recession-laden times. But £2 per month is all that’s needed in the impoverished Himalayan regions of Nepal to lift a woman and her family out of grinding hardship.
You can change a life for the cost of a monthly cappuccino!
Many Himalayan mothers are left to fend for themselves because they have been abandoned by their husbands or he has died, which is very common due to the dangerous manual work undertaken by men in this mountain region. With no education and no health system in place, every day is a struggle for survival.
Regular funding is really important to us it helps us to plan our projects.
Therefore please go to our website where you can download a Standing Order Form which you can complete and give to your bank or it can be set on line. www.himalayanculturalconservation.org
OR
Even easier and it takes just few minutes to donate by text using:
Text HCAP11 £5 to 70070 to donate to Hi-Cap UK and make a difference today.
Freda Casagrande
Founder and Manager
Hi-Cap UK
07968524379
01206791591
www.himalayanculturalconservation.org
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Sometimes a chronic problem is really the solution to a worse problem.
You can battle a chronic problem forever, or you can sit down and figure out why it's hanging around and start from there.
On the first morning of one of my Big Cheap Weekend Workshops last year (not in New York, like the one coming up Nov 19 - and it wasn't called a Big Cheap Weekend either but it was the same thing exactly) we had a perfect illustration of that principle. A woman I'll call Hilary stood up and told us how her inability to lose weight was the obstacle to her dearest, most treasured dream. She told us that she had a good voice, that her teachers had all agreed and she knew there was nothing she loved as much as singing; that she did it at home, in private, as often as she could. Nothing made her happier. But taking lessons can only go so far, and Hilary had dodged every chance she'd gotten to actually perform on stage, in front of a live audience. She explained that she couldn't get on the stage unless she looked better, and her attempts to diet had the usual results.
'If I get up on a stage looking like this all I'll be able to think about is how awful I look, and how people must be laughing at me, and I won't be able to sing a note.'
Now there are a lot of reasons people aren't slim, and there might be a lot of reasons they shouldn't be slim. Who knows what's health and what's fashion when advice changes every few years. But the point is she felt she couldn't sing if she didn't lose weight, and she couldn't lose weight. And I didn't want to send her home with the same 'blame the victim' advice she'd clearly gotten from friends and teachers and diet coaches, which was: 'Well, if you want it enough, you'll lose the weight.'
First of all, I don't think that's necessarily true at all. Sometimes when you want something too much, you stop yourself from getting it. Second, I don't like that kind of advice. People too often blame the victim when they feel unable to help her. She said she couldn't seem to lose weight, and I believed her. Instead, here's what I told her.
'Sing fat. Don't lose weight. Give that up. You want to sing, so you have to sing. Book a date wherever someone will let you sing, wear black, look gorgeous above the neck and below the hemline, and get up there and sing your heart out.
'If the weight is protecting you from some danger involved in singing -- maybe going back to your childhood -- and you sing, the weight might give up and just go away and you'll lose it without working at it. And if it doesn't go away, who cares? You're singing!'
What happened then only happens in a workshop. Someone raised his hand and said he had a piano club in a nearby suburb and she was welcome to come sing that night. There were always very good amateur pianists who could accompany her. You could feel the excitement start building in the room.
'I don't have the clothes or the makeup...' she stammered.
Just like every Idea Party in every workshop, when people heard the sincerity of her wish, and the clarity of that particular obstacle, they stepped forward. One woman who lived nearby had a 'shiny' black dress she knew would fit Hilary. A makeup artist stepped forward but didn't have her materials. A glamorous woman standing next to her handed her a bag packed with makeup. One woman held up a spectacular pair of green, glittered shoes and shouted 'What's your shoe size?'
Everyone else wanted the address so they could hear her sing that night after the workshop ended. Rides were set up. She was to sing in 3 hours. (I think if she'd had more time it would have actually been harder -- or she'd have fainted.)
It worked. I couldn't be there but the reports were glowing. She got up on stage, lost her voice for about 5 seconds, ran her hands down her sides and the slippery black dress (which fit perfectly) and started to sing. Her first song was very nice and everyone applauded. Her second, and every one after that, was spectacular. People in the audience were crying.
She wrote us all a few months later in our email group. She said she sings regularly now, and she has lost some weight, but she'll never be as slim as she thought she had to be. And it doesn't make a bit of difference. People love her singing. And she loves to sing.
Try it yourself with any chronic problem. Any sentences that go like this: "If I could only do x, I'd be able to do what I really want to do. But I keep trying and can never do x." This method doesn't always work as well as it did with Hilary, but something good always comes of it. If she'd been on her own and booked a performance date and gotten ready for it, she could have raised her danger level so high that it would reveal itself and she'd have discovered what she was really dealing with.
I once had a client who continually sabotaged her singing career in a different way. She sang professionally, everyone loved working with her and called her in for jobs, but she always stayed just under the radar, never broke through the way she wanted to. Her chronic problem: smoking.
'It's totally crazy that I smoke. I stop when there are no gigs on the horizon, but I start again when I get hired for something!' We discovered it was because her mother, a wonderful singer, stopped singing after a family tragedy that occurred when the client was only 9. Every time the client got close to singing with everything she had inside her, she got terrified and we found she was afraid of feeling the grief of that child she was so long ago. She always dodged the grief by smoking, which hadn't yet hurt her voice, but was her way of not giving her whole self to her performing. But that was when she didn't understand what it was. When she realized it was grief, she let the 9-year old inside her have a real cry. And when the tears stopped, the fear was gone. So was the need to smoke. Her singing career took off big time.
(Her mother started singing again too! But that's another story.)
On the first morning of one of my Big Cheap Weekend Workshops last year (not in New York, like the one coming up Nov 19 - and it wasn't called a Big Cheap Weekend either but it was the same thing exactly) we had a perfect illustration of that principle. A woman I'll call Hilary stood up and told us how her inability to lose weight was the obstacle to her dearest, most treasured dream. She told us that she had a good voice, that her teachers had all agreed and she knew there was nothing she loved as much as singing; that she did it at home, in private, as often as she could. Nothing made her happier. But taking lessons can only go so far, and Hilary had dodged every chance she'd gotten to actually perform on stage, in front of a live audience. She explained that she couldn't get on the stage unless she looked better, and her attempts to diet had the usual results.
'If I get up on a stage looking like this all I'll be able to think about is how awful I look, and how people must be laughing at me, and I won't be able to sing a note.'
Now there are a lot of reasons people aren't slim, and there might be a lot of reasons they shouldn't be slim. Who knows what's health and what's fashion when advice changes every few years. But the point is she felt she couldn't sing if she didn't lose weight, and she couldn't lose weight. And I didn't want to send her home with the same 'blame the victim' advice she'd clearly gotten from friends and teachers and diet coaches, which was: 'Well, if you want it enough, you'll lose the weight.'
First of all, I don't think that's necessarily true at all. Sometimes when you want something too much, you stop yourself from getting it. Second, I don't like that kind of advice. People too often blame the victim when they feel unable to help her. She said she couldn't seem to lose weight, and I believed her. Instead, here's what I told her.
'Sing fat. Don't lose weight. Give that up. You want to sing, so you have to sing. Book a date wherever someone will let you sing, wear black, look gorgeous above the neck and below the hemline, and get up there and sing your heart out.
'If the weight is protecting you from some danger involved in singing -- maybe going back to your childhood -- and you sing, the weight might give up and just go away and you'll lose it without working at it. And if it doesn't go away, who cares? You're singing!'
What happened then only happens in a workshop. Someone raised his hand and said he had a piano club in a nearby suburb and she was welcome to come sing that night. There were always very good amateur pianists who could accompany her. You could feel the excitement start building in the room.
'I don't have the clothes or the makeup...' she stammered.
Just like every Idea Party in every workshop, when people heard the sincerity of her wish, and the clarity of that particular obstacle, they stepped forward. One woman who lived nearby had a 'shiny' black dress she knew would fit Hilary. A makeup artist stepped forward but didn't have her materials. A glamorous woman standing next to her handed her a bag packed with makeup. One woman held up a spectacular pair of green, glittered shoes and shouted 'What's your shoe size?'
Everyone else wanted the address so they could hear her sing that night after the workshop ended. Rides were set up. She was to sing in 3 hours. (I think if she'd had more time it would have actually been harder -- or she'd have fainted.)
It worked. I couldn't be there but the reports were glowing. She got up on stage, lost her voice for about 5 seconds, ran her hands down her sides and the slippery black dress (which fit perfectly) and started to sing. Her first song was very nice and everyone applauded. Her second, and every one after that, was spectacular. People in the audience were crying.
She wrote us all a few months later in our email group. She said she sings regularly now, and she has lost some weight, but she'll never be as slim as she thought she had to be. And it doesn't make a bit of difference. People love her singing. And she loves to sing.
Try it yourself with any chronic problem. Any sentences that go like this: "If I could only do x, I'd be able to do what I really want to do. But I keep trying and can never do x." This method doesn't always work as well as it did with Hilary, but something good always comes of it. If she'd been on her own and booked a performance date and gotten ready for it, she could have raised her danger level so high that it would reveal itself and she'd have discovered what she was really dealing with.
I once had a client who continually sabotaged her singing career in a different way. She sang professionally, everyone loved working with her and called her in for jobs, but she always stayed just under the radar, never broke through the way she wanted to. Her chronic problem: smoking.
'It's totally crazy that I smoke. I stop when there are no gigs on the horizon, but I start again when I get hired for something!' We discovered it was because her mother, a wonderful singer, stopped singing after a family tragedy that occurred when the client was only 9. Every time the client got close to singing with everything she had inside her, she got terrified and we found she was afraid of feeling the grief of that child she was so long ago. She always dodged the grief by smoking, which hadn't yet hurt her voice, but was her way of not giving her whole self to her performing. But that was when she didn't understand what it was. When she realized it was grief, she let the 9-year old inside her have a real cry. And when the tears stopped, the fear was gone. So was the need to smoke. Her singing career took off big time.
(Her mother started singing again too! But that's another story.)
Sunday, September 12, 2010
WHY DID THAT CRITIC JUST DO THAT MEAN THING TO YOU?
WHY DID THAT CRITIC JUST DO THAT MEAN THING TO YOU?
I just finished running a 6-day Scanner's retreat for 15 people in a
beautiful medieval village in Tarn, not far from Toulouse. (I won't take
time to explain what a Scanner is but you'll find photos and
explanations at www.geniuspress.com/scannerretreat.htm). I love running
these retreats. The people, the inns, the food (!) are all heavenly. But
today I'd like to share one specific thing that invariably comes up,
usually by the second day. It's one of the major obstacles that prevents
us from turning dreams into reality: memories and expectations of
hurtful criticism. No one criticizes dreams at my retreats. We figure
out how to make them come true. But hidden in the back of everyone's
mind are memories of critics past and the dread of critics waiting at
home who could have the power to take our dreams away.
But they don't call me The Resistance Whisperer for nothing. I'm on a mission to save the dreams of every dreamer I meet. Now our good Anne-Claire at My American Market, () a wonderful newsletter from her Toulousian business that gets me my peanut butter fix whenever I need it) is giving me a chance to save some dreamers I haven't met by sharing one of the simple methods you can use to identify and protect yourself from destructive critics, in all their guises.
*************************************
You just got a fine idea for an internet business, or came up with a really useful invention or wrote a great letter to some editor, and you rushed to share your enthusiasm with someone you know -- only to get the wind knocked out of your sails. Instead of becoming excited, your friend/boss/partner/brother tossed off your idea as worthless, even ridiculous. Or they did something subtle you can't quite put your finger on, but your delight disappeared and was replaced by uncertainty or defensiveness, or both.
You've just brushed up against a critic.
Now the shine is off your idea and you're wondering if it's any good after all or if you're just a moron. What you might not realize is that this might be exactly what the critic wants you to do. Because certain critics -- the destructive ones -- are a special breed. They're not just meanies. They're up to something.
If you're someone who is curious and inquisitive by nature and takes a child-like joy in discoveries, you're often the target of critics. Chances are good that you're far from stupid (curiosity is a sign of intelligence). Maybe you're not an expert, but you have a good eye for something fresh and you love sensing potential. You might even have plenty of experience and knowledge to back up your discovery, but that's not always protection. Destructive critics are on a mission, and they're never stopped by their own ignorance.
All critics aren't destructive. Some are wonderful.
Sometimes you'll come across a genuinely constructive critic, and that's a person you want in your life. These people know what they're talking about and sincerely believe that your idea has flaws. Hearing that a favorite idea is imperfect is never fun, but these people are willing and able to explain what's wrong with your idea and either offer some solutions or point you in the right direction. This kind of critic can save you endless time and keep you from traveling up one blind alley after another. If you find someone like this, you're very lucky. The other name for a constructive critic is 'Mentor.' Constructive criticism is a treasure.
But even the most venomous critic will insist he's only trying to help. And who knows, maybe he's sincere and you're just being too sensitive. So how do you tell the difference?
Stop being the Fallen Hero and turn into Sherlock Holmes.
First, try to drag yourself out of the role of the Unjustly Injured and take a good look at the critic. Ask yourself some questions, like 'How typical is their behavior? What's behind it?' In other words, instead of being hurt or angry and fantasizing about how rotten they'll feel when you win the Nobel Prize, it's time to start scratching your head and wondering why they just did that mean thing. Nothing else will protect you from random slings and arrows of outrageous critics.
But you'll need some special techniques because belittling someone who's enthusiastic isn't in your bag of tricks. You have no idea why anyone would want to be a destructive critic.
Step One: allow yourself to suspect that a destructive critic is up to something.
Criticizing requires no special expertise but it does require a special kind of motivation. When someone like you runs up to a destructive critic with your face full of excitement, the critic gets very cranky. Of course, some recipients of your fine idea are innocent enough; they really just don't 'get it.' But you can tell the difference between the innocents and someone who wants to see the joy leave your face in a minute: the latter are always angry.
But what did you do to deserve anger? You meant no harm. How can you make sense of this?
Step Two: look at yourself with the critic's eyes.
There's no other way to understand what motivates people who return delight with anger except to try to see what they're seeing. There's always a chance you've been insensitive or unaware of their mood when you bounced into their world full of jolly news. Maybe they just lost money in the stock market or kicked their toe against a door, in which case you might owe them an apology. But that's not who we're talking about. The people we're talking about people are typically putdown artists. Now, why would they be offended by your happiness? What is it you're doing wrong?
To find the answer, change the question to this: What do they see when they look at you? If you can imagine yourself in the position of a destructive critic watching you bubbling over with a childlike delight, the answer usually hits you right between the eyes: he won't give you the credit you're hoping for because, plain and simple, he doesn't want to. It has nothing to do with the quality of your idea. It has everything to do with his resentment.
Here's how one encyclopedia defines anger: 'Anger is a feeling related to one's perception of having been offended/wronged and a tendency to undo that wrongdoing by retaliation.' That is to say, you had no way of knowing it, but you just offended someone. But why would it offend anyone to see you enthusiastic? After all, you're not kicking his dog or slashing her tires. What's going on?
Because we pick up subtle clues, we know people better than we realize. You can get some amazing insights with this simple exercise:
Discovering a hidden drama
You're going to write a short dialogue between two people. Pick up a pen and on the top line of a blank sheet of paper write your name and after it, start writing down your discovery. Enjoy yourself. Write about your new great idea as if you were a kid. When you're done, move to the next line and write 'Critic:' See if you can become this angry critic and write down your reaction to the first lines of the drama. Then be yourself again, and answer the critic with your typical defense.
If you can keep up the dialogue for a few rounds you'll start to understand the critic's motives better than you ever imagined you could. More often than not, you'll see that you walked into a drama that has nothing to do with you -- but the critic believes it does. He feels wronged and has you mixed up with the culprit who wronged him. Often the critic is jealous. You might have a hard time believing that, because jealous people see you in a way you never see yourself. Sometimes, the critic wants the attention you're unwittingly demanding when you say 'Look at what I found!!' You might understand the critic's viewpoint in a flash. Or you might never know what set the critic off. All the same, looking for the motive behind the blow a critic dealt you is always useful.
What will all this get you?
Even if you don't figure out what made a critic do a really mean thing, you've shifted the attention to the right place. Instead of feeling uncertain, foolish or injured, noticing the oddness of a critic's behavior means you're acting like someone with very high self-esteem. People who keep their self-esteem continue to value their ideas even if a critic has tried to trash them because they sense the critic's anger and protect themselves. That means that by focusing your attention on what the critic is really doing, you might have just saved a really good idea. Too many quality ideas have been thrown into the trash for no good reason at all, just because their inventor got caught in the sights of a critic.
For that matter, a critic who is mean day after day can actually make you sick if you don't protect yourself. So how do you protect yourself?
Summary and Solution:
Good critic or bad critic, you should try hard to respond in the same way: put aside your sensitivity and try to replace it with curiosity. Instead of 'Ouch!' or 'No fair!' try thinking, 'What is this guy doing? And why?' With that in your mind, you'll be safe when you ask a critic the right questions. They're simple enough: ask them, without attitude, what they think is wrong with it, and what they suggest you do instead.
The results can be amazing. Often the critic is exposed: he has no idea what's wrong with it, and no suggestions for what you might do instead. You'll just get a lot of bluster and the critic will know he's been exposed. But even if someone manages to come up with some disdainful answers, all you have to do is nod with interest, even write them down. (That always gets a satisfying reaction. Try it and you'll see.) In any event, you're running the exchange, you're watching them, and your enthusiasm won't be dampened, just put aside and protected for a little while. If someone really tries to sabotage your enthusiasm when you're alert, they'll be disappointed when you stay cheerful. (Disappointing bad guys feels really good.)
Even if the critic turns out to be one of the truly constructive ones, curiosity is called for. You might get some great help launching your idea. In any event, defensiveness would be the wrong move entirely. You never want to make a good guy work too hard when they're of a mind to help you.
Don't be shy about asking the critic, helpful or destructive, aways with respect and curiosity, 'How do you know that?' If your critic is a deflator, he'll give a stupid answer and walk off in a huff. But if you've found a truly knowledgeable critic, you'll get a real answer. If that happens, you've gotten a gift of high value: the attention of someone who can tell you what you need to know -- and might actually enjoy seeing you succeed.
Such people are rare, but if you find any, listen to their words with care. They could change your life. And when you're rich and famous, you can become one of those rare good critics yourself and do the same for others.
But they don't call me The Resistance Whisperer for nothing. I'm on a mission to save the dreams of every dreamer I meet. Now our good Anne-Claire at My American Market, () a wonderful newsletter from her Toulousian business that gets me my peanut butter fix whenever I need it) is giving me a chance to save some dreamers I haven't met by sharing one of the simple methods you can use to identify and protect yourself from destructive critics, in all their guises.
*************************************
You just got a fine idea for an internet business, or came up with a really useful invention or wrote a great letter to some editor, and you rushed to share your enthusiasm with someone you know -- only to get the wind knocked out of your sails. Instead of becoming excited, your friend/boss/partner/brother tossed off your idea as worthless, even ridiculous. Or they did something subtle you can't quite put your finger on, but your delight disappeared and was replaced by uncertainty or defensiveness, or both.
You've just brushed up against a critic.
Now the shine is off your idea and you're wondering if it's any good after all or if you're just a moron. What you might not realize is that this might be exactly what the critic wants you to do. Because certain critics -- the destructive ones -- are a special breed. They're not just meanies. They're up to something.
If you're someone who is curious and inquisitive by nature and takes a child-like joy in discoveries, you're often the target of critics. Chances are good that you're far from stupid (curiosity is a sign of intelligence). Maybe you're not an expert, but you have a good eye for something fresh and you love sensing potential. You might even have plenty of experience and knowledge to back up your discovery, but that's not always protection. Destructive critics are on a mission, and they're never stopped by their own ignorance.
All critics aren't destructive. Some are wonderful.
Sometimes you'll come across a genuinely constructive critic, and that's a person you want in your life. These people know what they're talking about and sincerely believe that your idea has flaws. Hearing that a favorite idea is imperfect is never fun, but these people are willing and able to explain what's wrong with your idea and either offer some solutions or point you in the right direction. This kind of critic can save you endless time and keep you from traveling up one blind alley after another. If you find someone like this, you're very lucky. The other name for a constructive critic is 'Mentor.' Constructive criticism is a treasure.
But even the most venomous critic will insist he's only trying to help. And who knows, maybe he's sincere and you're just being too sensitive. So how do you tell the difference?
Stop being the Fallen Hero and turn into Sherlock Holmes.
First, try to drag yourself out of the role of the Unjustly Injured and take a good look at the critic. Ask yourself some questions, like 'How typical is their behavior? What's behind it?' In other words, instead of being hurt or angry and fantasizing about how rotten they'll feel when you win the Nobel Prize, it's time to start scratching your head and wondering why they just did that mean thing. Nothing else will protect you from random slings and arrows of outrageous critics.
But you'll need some special techniques because belittling someone who's enthusiastic isn't in your bag of tricks. You have no idea why anyone would want to be a destructive critic.
Step One: allow yourself to suspect that a destructive critic is up to something.
Criticizing requires no special expertise but it does require a special kind of motivation. When someone like you runs up to a destructive critic with your face full of excitement, the critic gets very cranky. Of course, some recipients of your fine idea are innocent enough; they really just don't 'get it.' But you can tell the difference between the innocents and someone who wants to see the joy leave your face in a minute: the latter are always angry.
But what did you do to deserve anger? You meant no harm. How can you make sense of this?
Step Two: look at yourself with the critic's eyes.
There's no other way to understand what motivates people who return delight with anger except to try to see what they're seeing. There's always a chance you've been insensitive or unaware of their mood when you bounced into their world full of jolly news. Maybe they just lost money in the stock market or kicked their toe against a door, in which case you might owe them an apology. But that's not who we're talking about. The people we're talking about people are typically putdown artists. Now, why would they be offended by your happiness? What is it you're doing wrong?
To find the answer, change the question to this: What do they see when they look at you? If you can imagine yourself in the position of a destructive critic watching you bubbling over with a childlike delight, the answer usually hits you right between the eyes: he won't give you the credit you're hoping for because, plain and simple, he doesn't want to. It has nothing to do with the quality of your idea. It has everything to do with his resentment.
Here's how one encyclopedia defines anger: 'Anger is a feeling related to one's perception of having been offended/wronged and a tendency to undo that wrongdoing by retaliation.' That is to say, you had no way of knowing it, but you just offended someone. But why would it offend anyone to see you enthusiastic? After all, you're not kicking his dog or slashing her tires. What's going on?
Because we pick up subtle clues, we know people better than we realize. You can get some amazing insights with this simple exercise:
Discovering a hidden drama
You're going to write a short dialogue between two people. Pick up a pen and on the top line of a blank sheet of paper write your name and after it, start writing down your discovery. Enjoy yourself. Write about your new great idea as if you were a kid. When you're done, move to the next line and write 'Critic:' See if you can become this angry critic and write down your reaction to the first lines of the drama. Then be yourself again, and answer the critic with your typical defense.
If you can keep up the dialogue for a few rounds you'll start to understand the critic's motives better than you ever imagined you could. More often than not, you'll see that you walked into a drama that has nothing to do with you -- but the critic believes it does. He feels wronged and has you mixed up with the culprit who wronged him. Often the critic is jealous. You might have a hard time believing that, because jealous people see you in a way you never see yourself. Sometimes, the critic wants the attention you're unwittingly demanding when you say 'Look at what I found!!' You might understand the critic's viewpoint in a flash. Or you might never know what set the critic off. All the same, looking for the motive behind the blow a critic dealt you is always useful.
What will all this get you?
Even if you don't figure out what made a critic do a really mean thing, you've shifted the attention to the right place. Instead of feeling uncertain, foolish or injured, noticing the oddness of a critic's behavior means you're acting like someone with very high self-esteem. People who keep their self-esteem continue to value their ideas even if a critic has tried to trash them because they sense the critic's anger and protect themselves. That means that by focusing your attention on what the critic is really doing, you might have just saved a really good idea. Too many quality ideas have been thrown into the trash for no good reason at all, just because their inventor got caught in the sights of a critic.
For that matter, a critic who is mean day after day can actually make you sick if you don't protect yourself. So how do you protect yourself?
Summary and Solution:
Good critic or bad critic, you should try hard to respond in the same way: put aside your sensitivity and try to replace it with curiosity. Instead of 'Ouch!' or 'No fair!' try thinking, 'What is this guy doing? And why?' With that in your mind, you'll be safe when you ask a critic the right questions. They're simple enough: ask them, without attitude, what they think is wrong with it, and what they suggest you do instead.
The results can be amazing. Often the critic is exposed: he has no idea what's wrong with it, and no suggestions for what you might do instead. You'll just get a lot of bluster and the critic will know he's been exposed. But even if someone manages to come up with some disdainful answers, all you have to do is nod with interest, even write them down. (That always gets a satisfying reaction. Try it and you'll see.) In any event, you're running the exchange, you're watching them, and your enthusiasm won't be dampened, just put aside and protected for a little while. If someone really tries to sabotage your enthusiasm when you're alert, they'll be disappointed when you stay cheerful. (Disappointing bad guys feels really good.)
Even if the critic turns out to be one of the truly constructive ones, curiosity is called for. You might get some great help launching your idea. In any event, defensiveness would be the wrong move entirely. You never want to make a good guy work too hard when they're of a mind to help you.
Don't be shy about asking the critic, helpful or destructive, aways with respect and curiosity, 'How do you know that?' If your critic is a deflator, he'll give a stupid answer and walk off in a huff. But if you've found a truly knowledgeable critic, you'll get a real answer. If that happens, you've gotten a gift of high value: the attention of someone who can tell you what you need to know -- and might actually enjoy seeing you succeed.
Such people are rare, but if you find any, listen to their words with care. They could change your life. And when you're rich and famous, you can become one of those rare good critics yourself and do the same for others.
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