The Resistance Whisperer

Resistance

2011-09-08T08:07:00.000-07:00

I'm gathering up all the links to available Resistance teleclasses and podcasts I've done for my Frankfurt Coaching Class and putting them here. Whatever I find is, of course, available to everyone, so if you find yourself reading this and are interested in that most fascinating subject - Resistance - feel free to listen, too. First, I'm going to make an attempt to embed. It's a first. I'm just curious. Here goes:

Listen to internet radio with Barbara Sher on Blog Talk Radio

Chef wants to go to Asian Orphanage to teach kids to cook

2011-08-30T04:08:00.000-07:00

Just looking for a place to send people in the Twitter Idea Party (go to Twitter, search for #ideaparty) to show them that there's only one degree of separation. If you state your wish and your obstacle to enough people, someone will know the right person.

This is Freda. She used to run an orphanage and now has moved to a direct way of helping families in the Himalayas one by one. I sometimes run teleclasses to raise money for her project because she's the real McCoy: no administrative staff, no overhead, just her and her husband working their fingers to the bone. Come to think of it, I wonder if she has someone helping her with her emails? Like this one:

Hi All

Buy some Karma and donate to us today and really make a difference, this is not just some Charity it is a real organisation that works at the SHARP with real people changing real lives.

So many of you know about the work that we do and how difficult it is for us in the area that we work. During the last few weeks our own country has had dreadful incidences that many of us never thought possible. We are rebuilding trust and care in UK. I realise that it is difficult for us to think of others when there is so much going on in our own lives and country. I ask you though to just take a few minutes to THINK about how Hi-Cap UK have improved lives, we need your help to continue to do so.

What could you buy with £2? Not so much as a lipstick or a posh box of chocolates in these recession-laden times. But £2 per month is all that’s needed in the impoverished Himalayan regions of Nepal to lift a woman and her family out of grinding hardship.
You can change a life for the cost of a monthly cappuccino!

Many Himalayan mothers are left to fend for themselves because they have been abandoned by their husbands or he has died, which is very common due to the dangerous manual work undertaken by men in this mountain region. With no education and no health system in place, every day is a struggle for survival.

Regular funding is really important to us it helps us to plan our projects.
Therefore please go to our website where you can download a Standing Order Form which you can complete and give to your bank or it can be set on line. www.himalayanculturalconservation.org

OR

Even easier and it takes just few minutes to donate by text using:

Text HCAP11 £5 to 70070 to donate to Hi-Cap UK and make a difference today.

Freda Casagrande
Founder and Manager
Hi-Cap UK
07968524379
01206791591
www.himalayanculturalconservation.org

Why people get hooked on being coaches:

2011-06-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone,

Remember Julia? My first client from our Master Class? In one of our calls she told me that her dream would be to work with X (a well-known internet tech company). She really admires the company and thought the culture looked amazing. Immediately after she told me, in the same breath, she said, ‘but that’s an impossible dream’.

I remember saying, ‘well, wait a minute, let’s take a look at that…if you say you want to work at X company, let’s look at what you would need to do to get a job with them.’ And we went to work.

Well, about 3 weeks ago Julia was offered a job with them!!! They're giving her a “trial” period so I’m not sure yet how it will turn out, but I just wanted to share this with you! I’m so excited for her!!!

Now I can see why people get hooked on being a coach…I LOVE the feeling of seeing a client’s dream come true!!! J

Brenda

Brenda Jasmin
DreamLauncher Coaching
www.brendajasmin.wordpress.com

MORE:

Someone just sent me these amazing quotes. I'm waiting to hear who said them:

A few years ago it struck me that one of the most powerful and validating feelings I had ever felt had come from helping others. Not in the traditional charitable sense of the word. Specifically, these were people in my life who I thought had amazing potential – and I believed I was helping them to realize their potential

...I come alive when I am working with the people who are using my tools, training them to do it better. But it’s not just anytime, it’s the moment when they have a shift and embody it. Suddenly, they know they can do it. I can see it in their bodies, hear it in their voices.

DETAILS OF MY COACHING PROGRAM STARTING JUNE 25, 2012

2011-06-08T06:39:00.000-07:00

Hi All

I knew I wrote this up, but I couldn't figure out for the life of me where it was. Then I found this information below by clicking a secret-looking button on the Frankfurter Ring page that describes my coaching program. I realize you might not have seen it because I didn't see it myself until today. So I'm putting it up here (and updating it).

This is where you'll find the most up to date description. (Tell me if you've seen them before. I'm curious to know who else missed them.)

I'll try to find the details in German as well but it's pretty clear that I don't have a great record for finding things.

It's all written in Brochure-Lingo (sorry about that - and I couldn't find the bullet points either, so I improvised) but maybe it will help you get a picture of what we're going to be doing this coming year in the coaching program. Each module includes some material from the interim periods between modules.

I think the course is almost full, latest I heard there are 9 spots open, and it's almost certainly the last time I'll run it, so read through and let me know in Comments if you want to be there, and/or have any questions.

BARBARA SHER COACH TRAINING 2011-2012
FRANKFURTER RING
http://www.frankfurter-ring.de/index.php?id=120

5 WEEKEND MODULES (10 Training days)

* Module 1: June 25 / 26, 2011
* Module 2: Sept.10 / 11, 2011
* Module 3: Dec.10 / 11, 2011
* Module 4: Feb. 11 / 12, 2012
* Module 5: April 21 / 22, 2012

4 INTERIM STUDY SEGMENTS
ONLINE PRIVATE DISCUSSION FORUM

DETAILS:

BARBARA SHER COACHING TRAINING
GOALS FOR MY STUDENTS

* develop your existing talent and expertise as a coach
* add to your repertoire of communication skills
* receive individualized strength and needs assessment
* gain practice in new techniques and expert feedback
* augment your empathy and problem-solving abilities
* experience hands-on use of innovative techniques with volunteer clients
* successfully market yourself without soliciting, using today‘s technologies
* learn one-to-one and group face-to-face coaching, as well as telephone, live video, subscription site and email coaching
* create interactive conference call classes and your own online courses

THE LEARNING WILL COME IN MANY FORMS

* attend 5 face-to-face, interactive weekend-long modules
* see and analyze video sessions of my work with clients
* read case studies and learn new techniques from my books
* provide in-person and/or telephone sessions to volunteer clients
* review and exchange session transcripts with fellow students
* share your experiences with fellow students
* get guidance from skilled coaches and teaching assistants on a private forum
* participate in individual and group peer counseling

I‘ll be personally working with all students.

CONTENT OF MODULES

MODULE ONE: You and your Clients

- Finding the source of your drive
- Assessing your existing experience
- Discovering why (and in which ways) you are already an expert
- Identifying your strengths
- Developing new skills
- Learning best practices and new processes
- Listening with focus, knowing what to ask
- Identifying client’s obstacles
- Knowing what to say and when to say it

Hands-on practice begins in Interim One. Volunteer clients are provided.

Overview of the four stages of coaching your clients:

First, Find the goal - identify what your client wants, how to uncover and recognize the real wish.

Second, Wish and Obstacle Analysis - differentiate between real and imaginary obstacles, how to defuse imaginary ones and overcome real ones.
(Materials provided: Idea Parties, the rules of brainstorming, Barbara Sher's Idea Book, Discover Your Dream Workbook w/ CD)

Third, How to plan in reverse: create action steps that work back from the goal to something you can do right now; expecting and understanding resistance, knowing and naming feelings.

Fourth, Setting up the support structure and accountability: working with a coach as the foundation of success.

MODULE TWO: Motivation, Feelings, Identity, Influences

- Discussion of interim readings
- Analysis of client sessions and reports
- Assignment of best practices
- Finding client’s motivational system
- Forms of resistance, levels of solutions
- Identity, cultural and family influences, birth order issues
- The true sources of drive
- Perfectionism and critics
- When indecision is a decision
- Why a chronic problem is usually the solution to a worse problem
- Subconscious defense mechanisms
- Locating 'Forbiddens‘
- The 3 stages of excitement, their purposes, how to use each

MODULE THREE: Working with Clients

- Cues, clues, next steps
- Analysis of your recordings and my full-length sessions with clients
- In-person vs. distance sessions with clients
- Lowering stress, expanding client's comfort zones
- Review of previous exercises
- New Processes: The Oracle, The Self-Correcting Scenario, The Temporary-Permanent Commitment, Jet Clarity, Role Play, How Others See You, Gather Your Allies, Finding Your Gifts
- How to design your own exercises

MODULE FOUR: Becoming Known

- Establishing expertise, building client base
- Introduction to social media
- Virtual workshops
- The importance of your blog and commenting on others' blogs
- Where to find solutions: Idea Parties, the Internet, my bulletin board
- How to find your best clients: speaking vs. online
- Introduction to designing workshops
- New, easier marketing methods
- Your first telephone class
- Recording and evaluating your in-person, telephone and video sessions
- Forum discussions with coaches and student coaches
- Marketing for coaches who hate marketing

MODULE FIVE: Earning Income as a Coach

- Getting clients
- Building a good mailing list
- Creating online radio or TV shows
- Producing and running workshops
- How to find your right people
- Using unpaid speaking to paying clients
- Building your mailing list
- Using Facebook and/or your blog to let people know who you are
- eBooks
- The helping professions, avoiding burnout

REQUIRED READING:
My books in English and German:
Wishcraft
Live the Life You Love
I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was
It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now (in English only)
Refuse To Choose;
Discover Your Dream Kit w/CD (provided as free download to students)
Barbara Sher's Idea Book (provided as free download to students)
Handouts

http://www.frankfurter-ring.de/index.php?id=120
TEL. 069 - 51 15 55

MARCH 26, 2011 NEWSLETTER

2011-03-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

Here's a copy of my latest newsletter for everyone who signed up on my mailing list and thought they'd get it automatically. (Still haven't put that one in place, but we will!!)

Barbara Sher's Newsletter
March 26, 2011
Hi All

Having some fun the last few days trying out a new idea on Facebook and the results are so good I'm going to tell you about it so you can join (in a day or two when I have someplace for you to sign up).

Here's what happened: In our last teleclass, one of my WriteSpeak students told us about someone who held 500 (well, sort of) 20-minute telephone sessions for anyone who called to talk about (I think) feeling confident.

What a great idea! The best part was that he used some kind of scheduling program where people scheduled themselves. That sounds a lot like easy and I love easy! So I huddled and pow-wowed with my brain trust son in the kitchen and he liked it, started rolling out the webcams. Here's what I came up with:

"Find Your Wish in 20 Minutes." And I put it up on Facebook to see if anyone cared.

Within 4 seconds I had about 10 messages: saying 'Me, please!'

Here's the thing. Through the years of doing 1000's (yes, I mean that) of private sessions, usually one-time only, I saw that most of the people came in thinking they didn't know what they wanted. 'Hi,' I'd say. 'What can I do for you?' and they'd say, 'I have no idea what I want to do with my life.' It was amazingly common. But they did know, of course. Most of the time we found it in minutes and spent the rest of the time figuring out how to make it happen.

When I started doing big workshops I was used to it. I'd open with it: "How many of you think you don't know what you want?" (About 70-75% of the audience raised their hands). "How many of you know what you want but think it's impossible?" (same number of hands raised.) "And how many of you want so many things you can't decide which one to choose?" and about 65% of the hands in the audience went up.

Now, I'm not great at math, but it seemed to me that most people raised their hands for all the questions. They didn't know what they wanted, they did know but it was impossible, and a lot of them wanted too many things and couldn't choose.

In the big workshops it was just as easy to figure out what people wanted. I'd ask a handful to stand up and say their wish and obstacle and they'd say they didn't know what they wanted. A few questions and answers back and forth and they did. So why do so many people think they don't know what they want when they clearly do know? Most of the time it's they just are so sure they can't get it, they just forget about it and try to find a substitute.

Bad decision. You can't want what you don't want.

The heart doesn't negotiate. It's like a tuning fork and it knows which tone is right. Your desires are getting their orders from your genes. That means you don't decide what you want, you discover it. Of course, once you discover it, if you don't want to be a fussy, fretful person, and if you do want to know why you're on this planet -- then you have to do it. (That also might stop some of us from admitting what we want, but more about that in a minute.)

So two days ago, I asked the person in my class if she could tell me the name of that appointment scheduling program the guy who did 500 sessions used, and she did, and I thought that while we set it up, I'd run two impromptu evenings by announcing it on Facebook. I wanted to be sure I still have my timing. I got on Skype (and sometimes the telephone) for two evenings, did 10 sessions with those Facebook people who showed up so fast, and it was totally jolly. I loved it. They loved it too.

I changed the name of the process to 'Find Your Wish in 20 Minutes (or Less)' because, sure enough, it was mostly taking about 10 minutes. Good thing, because the tech troubles ate up the other 10 anyway.

Now I'm in the mood. So I'm setting up my Snoopy stand and I invite you to step right up and Find Your Wish in 20 Minutes (or Less).

In spite of cruel technology problems, we captured about 6 minutes of the last session. It will give you an idea.

And then my brain trust and I will huddle around the kitchen table setting up that appointment thingie, and then come up with dates that are open (really soon, a few days from now). And then, if you'd like to play, you can come in and set up your own time.

I didn't charge for the tryouts -- and the connections were so lousy I feel I owe them money. But I'll charge a small amount for the next ones. Most of the money is going to the Himalayan Orphanage http://www.himalayanculturalconservation.org/index.html I try to help.

It's just that I want to talk to the people who need the answer to 'What do I want?' and 'What do I do now?' and 'What am I supposed be when I grow up?' at least enough to spend 20 bucks on it.

I promised I'd let you know when the fancy automated pick your own appointment whatsis starts to work, and it has. So send me an email and I'll tell you how to get there. (Clue: It all starts when Paypal gets its $20.)

PLEASE NOTE: If it feels truly urgent that you get a session, and if you're one of those polite people who follows the rules and winds up at the end of the line after all the sandwiches are gone, then hit reply right now and tell me you want your 20 minutes and I'll tell you what to do next.

After you know what you want (and I have to hear a smile in your voice before I believe you found the right thing), we'll take the next step -- how to get it.

But I hope you'll take a little time to enjoy being unstuck. It's a great feeling.

Here are your audio tips. (Dear blog readers: to hear those tips, go to http://www.geniuspress.com and you'll see the signs.

Warm regards,

Barbara Sher

ANNOUNCEMENTS
The April 23-28, 2011 the Scanner Retreat in France is full, but I'm starting a waiting list. Write me an mail if you'd like to be on the list.

The Frankfurt Weekend has room for you. Information here:

http://www.frankfurter-ring.de/index.php?id=117
(eve lecture Apr 15th)

http://www.frankfurter-ring.de/index.php?id=118
(workshop Apr 16th/17th)

http://www.frankfurter-ring.de/index.php?id=120
(B. Sher Coaching Training)

Thank you for subscribing to my newsletter. I hope you'll join me on Facebook and Twitter!

Why you must do what you love, no kidding.

2011-03-14T10:29:00.000-07:00

Just in case you're not on my mailing list and didn't see this issue, here is...

Barbara Sher's Newsletter
March 9, 2011

Hi Friends,

If you haven't seen this video of mine on YouTube, I'd like you look at it now:
[Naw, they won't let me.]

[I'm not sure it's working. I'm getting alarming warnings. So head over to YouTube, search for Barbara Sher, and watch "What you love is what you are gifted at"

(Here's the rest of the newsletter:)

Barbara Sher: What You Love is What You Are Gifted At
The video is a little dark and not very fancy, but you can hear every word, it's under 2 minutes, and I'm not selling anything.

Today I was looking through some of the audios and videos I've saved from past workshops and retreats, looking for anything related to this subject because finding what you love, and finding a way to do it is the subject of the first month of a membership site I'm putting together, hopefully to launch a month or two down the road. (Maybe three.)

While I was checking the sound quality, I started listening to the words and realized that you should look at it, too. I know you've heard me say "You must do what you love," before, and I don't like to be repetitive, but I know too well that we all forget.

I won't rewrite the words on the video. Just go there. You won't hear one word about how you should treat yourself well, make yourself happy, put yourself first. It's not about that. It's about a debt you owe to the rest of us. Figuring out what you love is about the only way you're ever going to discover what you were born to do. When you enjoy doing something, that's nature trying to tell you who you are and what you're supposed to be doing.

And don't give me a hard time because you love doing too many things. You know where I stand on that one. If you don't, read Refuse to Choose aka: What Do I Do When I Want To Do Everything. Or head over to Genius Press and listen to the podcast. Or give yourself a treat and sign up while a few spaces are still open for what is probably my last Scanner Retreat. It's in France from April 23-28, 2011.

That's all I wanted to say. I know what I'm doing here: I'm here to get you to remember what you love, and to find practical ways for you to do it. How do I know what I'm doing here? Well, I've figured out what drive really is, and where it comes from, and how unique it is to each one of us. And I've seen over and over how it always answers that age-old question: What am I supposed to be doing on this planet? What will really satisfy and continue to interest me?

But that's for face-to-face and in-person as the grads of my retreats and workshops will tell you. I need to see you so I can ask questions and find out who you are. That's way too important for a quotable sentence or a newsletter sound bite.

But I'll tell you this much: drive isn't what they tell you. It's not something you decide to have if you've got enough character. You can't choose to have drive, and you don't have to. It's there. You just need to learn how to find it. Not so easy to do on your own. But this much you should know: it uses your gifts, the things you love and dream about. That's where you start and that's why going after your dream isn't an option, it's a responsibility. But gifts are only the vehicle. Drive itself is the fuel, and once you find that, you never ever run out of it.

That's why you must start by going after your dream. But, you've heard that before, right? What if you have too many obstacles? I happen to believe obstacles are mostly real, but I also know how to get around them. Let me tell you a story about one of my favorite ways (See Idea Party below). I have a hundred of these stories, but I'll just tell one today.

In Memphis, Tennessee, a few years ago, I was running a workshop for public TV and, as I always do in the second half of those workshops, I asked for people to raise their hands and tell me some impossible dreams. A young woman in the front row raised her hand and said she had always wanted to run an animal refuge.

"What's your obstacle?" I asked. (That's what I always ask because it's a great way to stimulate good ideas.)

"I have no money, no land, no licenses or training or connections and I have no idea where to start," she said.

You'd think that might give me pause, but I've done so many Idea Parties I was pretty sure of what would happen next. And I have never done anything to get prepared in advance for any wish in any Idea Party ever, on Twitter, the telephone, at people's homes or in front of 1000 people at a workshop. It's never necessary. If you have ten or more people in the room, there's always a solution.

"Does anyone have any ideas?" I asked, and a woman two seats away waved her hand urgently, stood up and said, "My friend's mother has an animal refuge, she was recently injured and can't take care of it, she's desperate for someone to take it over, it won't cost you anything! She'll train you! She has the licenses, and the donors and everything!"

That's a true story.

But that wish seems a little uncharacteristic, doesn't it? Well, it's not. I've had similar things happen -- just regarding that one wish -- at least a dozen times. And don't get me started on the really hard wishes. That's another newsletter in itself.

Okay, that's my message. Once you figure out what you want, the rest is easy. I mean that. And I say that as someone who wasn't born rich. I was born good-looking.

So repeat after me: "I must do what I love. I do know what it is." (Or we can help you figure it out in 5 minutes). And yes, it is possible even if you aren't a positive thinker, can't create your own reality and frequently wake up grumpy. (My kind of people!)

I plan to nag you about this in future. I know I'll have to tell you again. That's okay with me.

Here are your audio tips.
I hope I get to meet you (or see you again**) this year.

Warmest Regards,
Barbara Sher
EVENTS

Idea Party Fundraiser
Saturday, March 12, 2011, 1:00-2:30pm ET Teleconference
Cost: $22.00
All proceeds benefit Himalayan Cultural Conservation, an organization near & dear to my heart.

I Could Do Anything, If I Only Knew What It Was
Friday, April 15 , 2011| Frankfurt, Germany

Live the Life You Love weekend workshop
Saturday & Sunday, April 16-17, 2011 | Frankfurt, Germany

Scanner Retreat in my favorite medieval village in France
April 23-28, 2011 | Tarn region of France
(Only 4 spaces left!)

Coaching Training Program with Frankfurter Ring
June 2011 - April 2012

**Ask me about special discounts if you've been to my retreats or workshops before.
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Sometimes a chronic problem is really the solution to a worse problem.

2010-11-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

You can battle a chronic problem forever, or you can sit down and figure out why it's hanging around and start from there.

On the first morning of one of my Big Cheap Weekend Workshops last year (not in New York, like the one coming up Nov 19 - and it wasn't called a Big Cheap Weekend either but it was the same thing exactly) we had a perfect illustration of that principle. A woman I'll call Hilary stood up and told us how her inability to lose weight was the obstacle to her dearest, most treasured dream. She told us that she had a good voice, that her teachers had all agreed and she knew there was nothing she loved as much as singing; that she did it at home, in private, as often as she could. Nothing made her happier. But taking lessons can only go so far, and Hilary had dodged every chance she'd gotten to actually perform on stage, in front of a live audience. She explained that she couldn't get on the stage unless she looked better, and her attempts to diet had the usual results.

'If I get up on a stage looking like this all I'll be able to think about is how awful I look, and how people must be laughing at me, and I won't be able to sing a note.'

Now there are a lot of reasons people aren't slim, and there might be a lot of reasons they shouldn't be slim. Who knows what's health and what's fashion when advice changes every few years. But the point is she felt she couldn't sing if she didn't lose weight, and she couldn't lose weight. And I didn't want to send her home with the same 'blame the victim' advice she'd clearly gotten from friends and teachers and diet coaches, which was: 'Well, if you want it enough, you'll lose the weight.'

First of all, I don't think that's necessarily true at all. Sometimes when you want something too much, you stop yourself from getting it. Second, I don't like that kind of advice. People too often blame the victim when they feel unable to help her. She said she couldn't seem to lose weight, and I believed her. Instead, here's what I told her.

'Sing fat. Don't lose weight. Give that up. You want to sing, so you have to sing. Book a date wherever someone will let you sing, wear black, look gorgeous above the neck and below the hemline, and get up there and sing your heart out.

'If the weight is protecting you from some danger involved in singing -- maybe going back to your childhood -- and you sing, the weight might give up and just go away and you'll lose it without working at it. And if it doesn't go away, who cares? You're singing!'

What happened then only happens in a workshop. Someone raised his hand and said he had a piano club in a nearby suburb and she was welcome to come sing that night. There were always very good amateur pianists who could accompany her. You could feel the excitement start building in the room.

'I don't have the clothes or the makeup...' she stammered.

Just like every Idea Party in every workshop, when people heard the sincerity of her wish, and the clarity of that particular obstacle, they stepped forward. One woman who lived nearby had a 'shiny' black dress she knew would fit Hilary. A makeup artist stepped forward but didn't have her materials. A glamorous woman standing next to her handed her a bag packed with makeup. One woman held up a spectacular pair of green, glittered shoes and shouted 'What's your shoe size?'

Everyone else wanted the address so they could hear her sing that night after the workshop ended. Rides were set up. She was to sing in 3 hours. (I think if she'd had more time it would have actually been harder -- or she'd have fainted.)

It worked. I couldn't be there but the reports were glowing. She got up on stage, lost her voice for about 5 seconds, ran her hands down her sides and the slippery black dress (which fit perfectly) and started to sing. Her first song was very nice and everyone applauded. Her second, and every one after that, was spectacular. People in the audience were crying.

She wrote us all a few months later in our email group. She said she sings regularly now, and she has lost some weight, but she'll never be as slim as she thought she had to be. And it doesn't make a bit of difference. People love her singing. And she loves to sing.

Try it yourself with any chronic problem. Any sentences that go like this: "If I could only do x, I'd be able to do what I really want to do. But I keep trying and can never do x." This method doesn't always work as well as it did with Hilary, but something good always comes of it. If she'd been on her own and booked a performance date and gotten ready for it, she could have raised her danger level so high that it would reveal itself and she'd have discovered what she was really dealing with.

I once had a client who continually sabotaged her singing career in a different way. She sang professionally, everyone loved working with her and called her in for jobs, but she always stayed just under the radar, never broke through the way she wanted to. Her chronic problem: smoking.

'It's totally crazy that I smoke. I stop when there are no gigs on the horizon, but I start again when I get hired for something!' We discovered it was because her mother, a wonderful singer, stopped singing after a family tragedy that occurred when the client was only 9. Every time the client got close to singing with everything she had inside her, she got terrified and we found she was afraid of feeling the grief of that child she was so long ago. She always dodged the grief by smoking, which hadn't yet hurt her voice, but was her way of not giving her whole self to her performing. But that was when she didn't understand what it was. When she realized it was grief, she let the 9-year old inside her have a real cry. And when the tears stopped, the fear was gone. So was the need to smoke. Her singing career took off big time.

(Her mother started singing again too! But that's another story.)

Rewritten post about critics is over at ScannersRefuseToChoose

2010-09-12T05:52:00.000-07:00

Here's the link: http://scannersrefusetochoose.blogspot.com/

Valuable comments have been saved, see below.

I disagree with Seth Godin about Genius and Lizard Brain

2010-02-28T10:45:00.001-08:00

Do you ever get a great, inspiring idea so good it's thrilling? And you start thinking about how good it is, and start thinking about the steps you might take to make it happen, and you really are high.

And then something happens. You slow down, or someone hears it and puts a pin in your balloon, or you get weary thinking of the amount of work it will take, and here you are barely keeping up with your existing To Do List. And that turns into a feeling that the idea wasn't really as good as it looked. In fact it was unrealistic. You almost think that whenever anyone's that happy about something they're probably being foolish. At least, you are. Self-doubt takes over. That great idea looks like it will never actually happen. Never could have happened.

If so, you're facing a very common experience. Everyone goes through it. And lots of people try to solve the problem of the slump. There's a huge industry based on Motivation. Football coaches try to rev up their teams at half-time, and speakers try to persuade you to be positive. Some call this slump your 'Lizard Brain,' the part of you that's primitive and scared, and everyone comes up with some kind of solution, because a slump in motivation, the presence of what I call 'the Resistance Monster,' can cause big problems. If you can't find a way to get that motivation back again, you could lose your job, flunk out of school, or let your business die on the vine.

One of my favorite writers, a very smart, innovative thinker named Seth Godin, gives his advice on how to deal with it. He says that when the lizard brain kicks in and the resistance slows you down, the only correct response is to push back again and again and again with one failure after another and sooner or later, the lizard will get bored and give up.

I wrote and told him I think he's got this one wrong. I said that I think we should save the calories and let the synapses rest. Because I believe that we're programmed to crash after a high as a way of keeping us out of danger and letting us build up some energy. (He answered very graciously, suggesting that my ideas were very interesting and probably come more from a woman's thinking than a man's. I just might agree with him on that.)

Anyway, for what it's worth, here's my Theory of The Three Stages of Excitement:

Excitement (caused by one of those delicious fits of inspiration we all have from time to time) is actually half fear and half joy. When a good idea hits you like lightning, it's fabulous. I do believe it's definitely, by any definition, a flash of genius, but one that's available to everyone.

So, first you get high on the joy, and then, when you get past familiarity, you suddenly realize you're too far out there for safety (according to your inner survival mechanisms) and you get scared, or you lose confidence, and that's when you crash. Then you usually give up. I think a lot of really good ideas get unnecessarily wasted this way

I see excitement as having 3 stages and no one seems to mention the third. (It's not a return to the excitement.) Here's one way to describe it:

Phase One: You're on a real high and when you're high, it's almost exactly like falling in love. When you're in love, you're a genius. You can see, hear, smell, understand what no one else can. That's why no one else seems to get it that your newborn baby is the most beautiful baby that has ever existed. You're not crazy. You can actually see details that they miss. Their babies, because you're not in love with them, look rather ordinary to you. Nature is no fool. She's got survival down pat.

Save that vision! In Phase One I advise all my readers/listeners/audiences to write down each and every detail, not in notes, diagrams or outlines, but in long declarative sentences that explain how you came to each conclusion. You'll need to understand them later when you're in a different mood, so don't assume that brief notes or outlines with mean anything to you later.

Phase Two: Fear trumps Joy. Or someone hurts your feelings and takes the wind out of your sails. When your primitive survival mechanisms begin to wake up, you become more sensitive than usual to fear, doubt, hurt. Your survival gear is crude but it's powerful and it knows how to stop you from doing anything reckless -- or anything at all! It gives you what can be called a micro-depression.

You experience it as a crash. And when you crash, you have all the attendant frills of any 'real' depression: you lose energy, you lose interest, and you no longer calculate or plan in action terms, or in the present at all. And something funny happens: you suddenly feel very wise, all-knowing, far-seeing, even cynical. You feel you understand everything and see life in long, philosophical terms. You start to speak in terms like 'never,' 'always,' and 'how could I have been so stupid?' 'It has always been so. It will ever be so,' or even, 'Those who hope are fools."

That's what's being called Lizard Brain these days. That's where motivators tell you that you have to become positive again. And they tell you to believe in yourself and get back into action or the universe with turn its back on you. Some say yo must try really hard to make yourself positive again. In all honesty I believe that, unless it's half-time at a football game, that doesn't really work very well. Seth Godin, thankfully, doesn't ask us to try to rearrange our brains and force positive thoughts.

What he does do is advise us to battle this phase. I can see why: it appears that you either fight it or you give up. But beware of appearances because I don't think those are the only two alternatives at all.

Another look at The Crash
At Phase Two of excitement, the crash, I think we're supposed to (temporarily) give in. Relax. Feeling stupid? Call yourself stupid and despise happy, excited people for not realizing that life sucks. Lay about watching disgusting TV shows and eating crackers in bed. Whine to your friends on the phone. Bathe less.

If you give in to Phase Two without holding back, you'll find yourself soon getting bored with it. When your energy begins to build up a little, and all that delicious self pity starts to bore you. You're ready to pick up the empty food cartons and tidy up a bit, and you start feeling a bit better. But you try to remember not to fall for another sucker punch and to stifle your unruly tendency to enthusiasm and excitement.

Of course, that never works, what typically happens instead is that you wait until you get excited about another great idea and go through the process over again. If you're someone who has a lot of good ideas, this could happen over and over again.

But I believe that you're not finished with the original genius idea you had in Phase One!

Because when you've had enough of Phase Two, and almost as if nature meant for it to happen this way, you will move into a very important, almost never mentioned phase - what I call Phase Three. And that's the best phase of all. But if you don't know about Phase Three, you could miss it and waste a lot of your best ideas.

Phase Three: Now you've gone through two of the three phases of excitement and now the process pays off. Because Phase Three is the payoff. That's when you're in the right frame of mind to lay out a plan, roll up your sleeves and execute it. Without the high, without the crash, but with real respect for a good idea and the steady energy that makes things happen.

But I believe you won't have that energy unless you crashed when you were supposed to. I think that's what Phase Two is for.

If you wrote them down the way I hope you did, you now can dig up those carefully written, completely understandable notes you wrote in Phase One and read them in sober daylight, with real interest -- and with neither a negative bias, or heart-banging excitement.

Because Phase Three is where all the work actually gets done. It's always been like that: slow and steady. The Genius has burned bright, burned out, and left great instructions. The Burned Out one has hibernated and gathered energy. And now the Intelligent Hard Worker is ready to get to work.

Why is this so important? Because I'm convinced that once you realize there's a Phase Three, you won't wear yourself out battling Lizard Brain anymore. And you won't discard really good ideas, either.

My two cents.

THE COACHES COFFEE HOUSE

2010-01-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

Wanted to make the lovable stuff I found on Google available to those who are not in the Coach Master class because they, along with the students in the program, helped me out with so many great suggestions.

*********

BarbaraSher January 24, 2010 at 9:59 am [edit]

How about Coaches Coffee House? Here’s what I found on google: Please note that each place first had a presiding person — in this course it’s obviously the experienced coach (me — not a presiding genius like John Dryden :-) ).

It’s a little long because I wanted to include The Lion’s Head – a place where you can deposit your writing. For purposes of easy maneuvering, post in the Lion’s Head a brief abstract of what you wrote and a link to where it can be found.

Read on:

In 1660 as coffee houses became more and more popular each began to attract a certain crowd and began to house certain types of people. The Soldiers could be found at Old or Young Man’s, people of the Whig party at St. James or Smyrna Coffee House, and people of the Tory party at Cocoa-Tree or Ozinda’s. People involved in literature would be found at Will’s.

Will’s was a coffee house owned by William Urwin, but made famous by its constant patron and its presiding literary genius, John Dryden. Located in Russel Street, Covent Garden, one of the most fashionable parts of London, this coffee house became a hub of literary critiques and discussions that inspired many famous authors, leaving many of them in debt to both Will’s and Dryden for what they learned or absorbed while attending such a discussion within Will’s. One of these legendary writers, Alexander Pope, first visited Will’s at the ripe age of twelve years old. In fact, Pope’s famous Rape of the Lock rose out of coffee house gossip. Will’s and Dryden also had a great influence during this time on William Congreve and Joseph Addison. It was not long before Will’s became known as the Coffee house of the “Wit’s”…

By 1712 …The community of writers found their new place to gather at Button’s Coffee House, also located in Russel Street, Covent Garden. Joseph Addison initially was responsible for the popularity of Button’s, however; the positive response and attendance of Alexander Pope and Jonathan Swift helped raise the coffee houses popularity as well.

Still, Button’s is perhaps most remembered for the Lion’s Head Letter Box, where people could drop pieces they had written for publication in The Guardian, a local newspaper. Of this Lion’s head Addison says:

This head is to open a most wide and voracious mouth, which shall take in such letters and papers as are conveyed to me by my correspondents…

Whatever the lion swallows I shall digest for the use of the public…it shall be set up in Button’s coffee-house in Convent-garden, who is directed to shew the way to the lion’s head, and to instruct young authors how to convey his works in the mouth of it with safety and secrecy.

2010-01-09T12:39:00.000-08:00

MORE INFO FOR FAQs re MASTER CLASS

2009-12-31T01:39:00.000-08:00

Just in case you didn't look in the Comments below, let me copy a couple of answers to the most frequently asked questions up here:

How much will I have to travel for your Master Class?

1) you will not be asked to travel for a face to face as any part of the Master Class. It will all be done on the internet or by telephone or skype video.

2) You can, if you wish, attend a Scanner retreat at half price.

3) You can't sign up for a WriteSpeak program, however, because that requires the same big time and activity commitment as the Master Class.

MASTER CLASS DESCRIPTION

2009-12-15T17:49:00.000-08:00

Got lots of emails and doing lots of things so I'm going to put a quick and dirty description of the Coaching Certification Master Class right here. This is the right blog for it. I'll be teaching everything I know in the Master Class and some of the important work I do is in the area of Resistance. (You're not going to hear many suggestions about doing positive thinking - but you knew that.)

At present the software and web site for the Master's Program is being installed. Tomorrow I'm leaving on a jet plane. I'll send you the answer to one person's questions and hope it will be enough for a few days (until I get online in France.)

Dear X:

I can tell you this: as a member of the Master Class you'll be part of a private bulletin board forum made up of your fellow students and a handful of very special people (my Brain-Trust) including an author, a radio talk show host, an incredibly gifted and knowledgeable problem solver, and a person who specializes in making people get things done. There might be others. I've got invitations out to some of my favorite Idea Party people.

I've been told to tell you that this is an investment in your career, not a fee. I just hate that language -- too much like marketing lingo. I've also been told by some professionals (fans and experts) that I should charge twice as much. I don't know if that's actually true, but I do know that I won't do that. I want talented, committed people, not necessarily people who can easily spend a lot of money and might not be driven by a need to help people, or make a living doing it. So the entire year-long program will cost $8400.

It's very time-consuming for me to work with payments, so I'm asking must require that the entire tuition be paid before we begin, which means January 15. The program will begin sometime in the last 10 days of January, 2010. However, I'm selecting applicants carefully -- I can't predict if I'll run another program next year -- and I want to make sure I don't leave out someone who I know should be in the program. So talk to me if you think I'd want you in this program. (Please don't ask for swaps or discounts for this program. I'm asking everyone to pay up front so I can forget about promoting anything for a year and get down to work.)

Okay, here's what else we're going to do:

1) Part I - Find the talent and the dreams.
You'll learn how to pinpoint with certainty what you or a client really desires, no matter how difficult that may seem. Before practical issues come up we have to know their gifts and those are only shown to us by determining with care what they love to do. For that I'm planning to use the following materials and techiques:

a) Success Teams materials: your class will work as members of a Success Team for the first 8 sessions so you can be your subjects, and know what they're experiencing on a personal level. (You'll be qualified to become a registered Success Team leader and can own the the full leader's version of the Success Team Kit at a discount later in the class.)

b) The Discover Your Dream workbook/audio kit in addition to special teleclasses dedicated to teaching unusual techniques for finding the real goal in the heart of any client. This will include some new techniques I've developed in the last few years.

2) You'll learn how to make *any* dream, even the most impractical-seeming, into an achievable plan with dates and realistic sub-goals. I'll be using a number of techniques here:

a) A Brain-Trust forum, accessible to members at all times, which includes members and experts who have accepted my invitation to join us.

b) New brain-storming techniques - how to use social media and other internet info gathering and networking methods to get any information you need. How to run your own Idea Parties, in person or on the phone or via live video.

3) Resistance Whispering
Once a plan is in place the real work begins: Resistance is invariably the result of a call to action, especially one that's realistic and has details worked out, contacts, a target date, appointments to make, etc. Reality creates the moment of truth, and that's the point where every dream can founder and die. It's also the area that's least covered by existing techniques that are commonly used. Resistance is where my most important techniques will be taught.

a) Via interactive teleclass lectures

b) Using Skype so you can watch me work with clients and pick up their visual cues as well as the ones you can hear on the phone

c) A CD-set of 3 Resistance Teleclasses will be part of the class, so you can hear the lectures and interactions in which I take people to the source of their resistance and bring them past it. That's what gave me the name of 'Resistance Whisperer,' and that's what I want most to teach you to do.

4) Finally, we'll create a plan for earning money as a coach or career counselor, and as a speaker.

It's very ambitious but I'm only allowing in people whose letters indicate good candidates. All the same, the program is filling up rather quickly.

ADDENDA: Although it wasn't part of my original plan, I've decided to allow all Master Class students to attend (at half tuition price) one Scanner retreat if they choose to. It's not a required part of the program but it will be a way for people to work and watch me work face-to-face on achieving goals with many of the elements above. Since not everyone can find a way to attend a retreat, I'm figuring out how to make a video or transcript available to them. However this material will probably cost the same as attending at 1/2 tuition, about $1100.

We're using new computer technology for much of this, and notes or transcripts or recordings will be available to all members if they miss any scheduled events.

That's the best I can do right now. I'm very eager to begin. I've waited a lot of years to offer this program and it means a lot to me to see my work used to help people even after I stop doing it myself.

Please comment or email questions. I have a hunch I'll find internet connectivity in France. :-)

PUTTING BIG ANNOUNCEMENT UP HERE, TOO

2009-12-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

Spent many hours on this announcement and just sent it off to my heroic techie. Hopefully it will be sent out to my whole mailing list. I hope so because this is new and I need some reactions -- I even like those 'Out of Office' responses because they react so quickly! (Don't be shy about leaving comments if you have a moment -- even if it's to point out a typo. It's nice to know someone's there.)

Hi All

I believe this is a launch. Never used that word for anything in the past, though I'm sure I've launched things before. But there's something unusual behind this launch and I want to say it out loud to you. I'm doing this particular launch because, plain and simple - I don't want to market anymore.

I don't want to market anymore. I want to do the work I love doing but I don't want to sell it anymore.

Now, I know a lot of people don't want to market anymore, and I know that you have to do it anyway. Most of the time. But I've been doing my work and marketing it for a very long time and now I want to stop. Before I announce to you the change I'm beginning as of right now, I first would like to do some more complaining.

I don't want to send out lots of newsletters and emails saying 'Come to my party,' I simply want to announce it. I'll be happy to tell you when I'm running Resistance classes or IdeaParties on conference calls and give you the dates & locations for the spring and fall Scanner and the WriteSpeak program -- and then stop right there. After that I want to write newsletters about other things, marvelous things that I discover and want to tell you about.

I don't want to promote any of the books or audios or kits I sell on geniuspress either (and you might have noticed that I never have done so).

What pops into my head is what John Cusack says in the wonderful 1989 movie, 'Say Anything,'

I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or process anything sold, bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought or processed -- or repair anything sold, bought or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

That makes me laugh every time I read it. But here's my point.

To my great surprise, I'm becoming an old lady. Now, please don't write to tell me I'm not really old and all that stuff. I know, I know. Like all old people who were born learners and observers to start with, I know I'm getting smarter every year, and like all old people who are paying attention, I understand clearly what 'time limits,' means. As a result, I have a very clear picture of what I want to do in the coming few years while I'm still sturdy and bossy, and that is to tell you everything I know.

This is not a pitch. This is what I've been thinking, and it won't let go of me. So consider it the first of my announcements and you're welcome to ignore it if you like. You'll know if it's right for you or not.

Now, since I've never tried very hard to accumulate Wealth and build Empires, I'll still need income. But I'd like to be paid for what I teach, not for my marketing skills.

So, I want to announce some subscription/membership programs that will give you such huge discounts you'll come on your own and I won't have to do all the difficult, time-consuming stuff that I really can't delegate.

I'm also going to teach a year-long Master Class. This is big. This is about me trying to make sure that the best of my work will continue to be out in the world even if I'm abducted by aliens. It's designed mostly for coaches (you'll be certified when you complete the course) but I really hope to see teachers, parents and talk show hosts in it, anyone who helps people and wants to learn how to do what I do.

How to do what I do. I used to think it wasn't exactly teachable, that all I could do was let you watch me do it. But now, happily enough, I know how to teach it. Now people can learn it and use it to help other people. That's what feels really right at this time in my life.

If that looks right for you too, maybe you should be at this Master Class. I'm going to teach the most important of all the techniques I've developed, as well as showing you how to get a little bit famous, like I am. :-)

Everything starts in January of 2010. (If you've already signed up for any of my programs in 2010, you can still subscribe and get your huge & massive discount on those programs.)

Okay, here's what it is and here's the fee for each choice. (No, I don't do up-sells and I won't make you read 20 pages and click 10 links to find out what everything costs.)

(Toe In The Water) Level I Club - $600

If you want to learn as much as you can about knocking down the walls of your resistance as well as getting dozens of great brains to help you come up with ideas and info but you'd like a little anonymity and time to decide if you want to go further, this is probably the right choice for you. At Level I you'll be able to attend (or get the recordings of) all my Resistance and IdeaParty teleclasses in 2010 for free. I'm planning to do at least 10 of them.

You'll also be able to head over to www.geniuspress.com and look at all the books, audios and kits and pick any or all of them (electronic or hard copy) for 50% of the price. (Incidentally, the prices haven't changed in years and I won't be slipping in there and raising them in advance, either.)

And if you'd like to halve the tariff for my new BigCheapWeekendWorkshop in NY in June (it's going to be terrific and I'm smiling as I think of it) you'll be able to do that, too.

Now, my math's not great but I figure you'll get at least $2000 dollars worth of goodies right there (and I expect to add more stuff -- like a CD of all my audio tips, for instance -- during the year). It's good stuff.

You'll get the most benefit (and make my life easier) if you sign up via Paypal before January 15. Ask everyone to give you cash for Xmas and you can probably make it work.

(Ready to Splash Around Big Time) Level II Club - $2400

If you'd like all the above but you really want to work with me face-to-face in a 5-day retreat in 2010, this is for you. At the same huge 50% discount you'll be able to attend one of the year's Scanner retreats (in some gorgeous locale). If you want to, you can sign up for the whole WriteSpeak program, too (which includes its own 5-day retreat). If you've ever wanted to be part of a really special community/support team, a retreat is where you'll find it. What happens after the retreats is as important as what happens during them. (Check out the testimonials on www.geniuspress.com for Scanner Retreats and the WriteSpeak program and you'll see what I mean.)

For the Ready to Splash Around Big Time Level II Club you really do have to get in before January 15 because the next WriteSpeak Pt I Teleworkshop is January 16 and it's the prerequisite for the rest of the program). Now, my math, if this makes any difference, says that you will not only save the $2000 value of the Toe in The Water Club, but in addition, up to $3500 if you take advantage of everything above. (I'll send you either audios or transcripts for anything you can't attend.)

If you've already signed up for the April Scanner Retreat in France, or the Jan, Feb WriteSpeak program in New York and you want to subscribe at this level, that's fine. I'll be happy to get someone to figure out the math and make it come out right.

(Taking the Veil) Coaching Certification Master Class - $8400

Well, I don't really know much about taking the veil except from the movies. It looked all gallant and romantic with Audrey Hepburn, and wonderfully evil and powerful in The Blues Brothers so I'm pretty convinced of my own total ignorance here and I guess that's not really what I mean.

What I do mean is this: if you're ready to make a serious commitment to becoming the best counselor/teacher/helper/coach you possibly can be, by accessing and developing your innate talents and learning how to do pretty much everything I do, if you want to be part of a tightly-knit, supportive and brilliant community, and if you'd also like to make a better-than-decent living at it, then this is the right choice for you.
Some of you have watched (or heard) me guide someone through a 'self correcting scenario,' for instance, or take someone back to the source of their resistance (and often the source of their parents' as well) and you've seen the light bulb go on as they finally understood the true picture of who they are and why they do what they do, and how to change it in a profound way.

If so, you might be one of the people who wanted to know what was happening: 'How did you do that?' 'Why did you say this at this time?' 'How did you know that was the wrong path, how did you see the right path?'

If that kind of thing matters to you, the Master Class is for you.
Showing dedicated, talented people how to help others by fully using their gifts and showing them how to do everything I've learned to do and showing them how to make a better-than-decent living so they'll want to keep doing it for years and years -- that's how I want to spend my remaining time on this planet.

So as of today I pronounce that I insofar as I am able, I shall no longer market anything and all my newsletters and blogs will be about wonderful stuff I love to write about.

REGARDING ALL THE MANY DETAILS I'VE LEFT OUT:
I'm going to put up some pages on Genius Press to spell out all the many details of this big new thing, like how to be interviewed for the Master Class and nice lists of what you'll get such as the Master Class will get free admission to the BigCheapWeekendWorkshop in June and you'll all get advance notice of any events I schedule. That sort of thing. I'll also explain that I won't be doing swaps or payments because they're too hard to keep track of, and how there's room for everyone in the Level I Club, but room for not so many people in the Level II Club and room for very few in the Master Class.

(Which is why I'm going to close admission as soon as I've hit the right numbers so I wouldn't stall about this too long.)

And there's got to be a whole lot more I need to explain.

But it's been a long day figuring this out all this and I'll never in this world get the extra information up on the website for at least few more days.

HERE'S WHAT YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW:

* You can say 'I know all I need to know, Count me in,' and go into Paypal and send a payment to my email address (if you don't have it, just hit reply to this announcement and me ask for it. I'll enjoy getting that kind of request.)

or

* You can hit reply and ask me questions, which I'd actually welcome because I know for sure I haven't worked out every detail and your bewilderment will make me aware of what's needed. As anyone in my WriteSpeak class will tell you, questions are very fine things.

I want you to use your talents and fulfill your dreams. I want that a lot. I think that's a good thing that I can do for you and for the world.

Okay, that's what I wanted to tell you.

Barbara

To help you plan, here are the dates I know about so far:

The WriteSpeak Part I Teleworkshop: January 16, 2010, from 11 am to 5 pm (or so).

(I may schedule a second Teleworkshop before the retreat. Watch this space.)

The WriteSpeak Part II Retreat: February 12 - 17, 2010 in New York City.

The Scanner Retreat: April 6 - 11, 2010 in a medieval village in France

Another Scanner Retreat in Europe in the fall, when the weather cools down.

The Big Cheap Weekend Workshop, probably June 25-27, 2010 in New York City.

Okay, now you know everything I know.

Action instead of Aggravation

2009-12-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

That's what I used to say to my kids when they were worried about something that might happen in the near future:"Let's do something about it instead of worrying ourselves to death," I'd say. "Action Instead of Aggravation!"

I see I haven't changed much in the last 40 years. Here's an exchange I had recently with someone who wrote me an email. (The letters she sent were much longer than the excerpts I've copied here.)

(I put the letters in chronological order)

(1)

Country: Canada
Permission: OK to publish

Question: Dear Barbara.......I am so glad I found you at this time in my life! I stumbled on your book "Live The Life You Love" at the library. I have never been in such a "dark" place in all my life. [She goes on to describe a very difficult childhood and the resulting anxiety she has always experienced] It has prevented me from doing much. I recently moved back home (sadly my mom has passed on so her warmth is not here) and my dad is still verbally abusive... My sister is mentally ill and has been taking her wrath out on me and my brother since we were small.

My grown kids are always angry with me. Even my best friend says she is tired of my "pity parties." I'm seeing a counselor who listens very well but cannot really help me other than listen.

My courage is at an all time low - I need a job. There's more, and it's just as bad. Anyway, any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

GL

(2)

Hi GL:

I have a suggestion. I'm hardly the first person to advise this, and you're not going to want to do it but you should really give it a try. It almost always works:

Go to some place where people need something you’re skilled at (like speaking English, for instance) and help them. That is, volunteer.

Don't volunteer to lick stamps or do any kind of solo work. Go where there you can help humans who need you. Teaching English to people who want to learn it is one thing you can do. No matter how low your self-esteem might be, you must admit you speak pretty good English.

Everyone who teaches English to immigrants or reading to illiterate adults invariably loves it. They tell me they meet wonderful, courageous people who are really worth helping. They get a lot of respect from their students, too, and getting respect right now would be better than vitamins for you.

You’re clearly depressed, so I'm glad you're getting professional help. But your letter shows that you're too much in the habit of thinking and talking about yourself. That's not wise. Isolation exaggerates dark feelings. Get into action and focus on something important enough to make you forget yourself for a few hours every day. Sign up for a steady schedule, and volunteer to teach conversational English to foreigners in classrooms. It will open up a new world for you.

Try it and see.

Barbara
(3)

Thank you so much Barbara. I feel honored that you would take the time to offer some advice to little old me. I just started the chapter in your book( Lesson 6 on resistance.) I am only able to read at night in bed (easier to concentrate) so will read on tonight. I just feel so insignificant and transparent and so very sad. I might be depressed but everything in my life is conducive to that so it's a "normal" depression I think. I am actually a very strong person but lately it's all getting too much. I might try and move to Cold Springs Island where I can live surrounded by wildlife. GL

(4)

Uh, uh, GL. Bad idea. I don’t think you heard me. First, I strongly advise against moving anywhere that will make you more isolated than you are right now. You need to have your thoughts interrupted by appointments, human voices and faces. Everyone who's down in the dumps always wants to be more alone but isolation will make everything worse.

Second, let me spell out what I told you in my previous note: I said to go — on a regular basis, like every Tuesday and Thursday morning of every week for at least 3 months — to a location where you can help someone else. Teaching English to foreigners is one way to do that, but not the only way.

Third, I didn’t say to read Lesson 6 on Resistance. It won’t help you. It’s not right for where you are. The only thing that’s right for you at this point in time is to pick yourself up, hose yourself down, put on some clothes that won't attract attention and find a volunteer job helping other people. You are in no position to be thinking about yourself right now. You must be able to think about others, people you feel responsible for, at least 6 hours a week. Otherwise you'll never get out of that damp, dark basement.

Fourth: Your circumstances are certainly bad, but it doesn’t matter why you’re depressed, you are depressed. If you weren't, you'd change your circumstances for the better without writing me. But that's hard to do when you're feeling negative. You're not in any mood to create opportunities or invent something great for yourself. Taking initiative isn't a symptom of unhappiness. But there are projects that already exist and you can go to them. Your lack of energy can't be reversed unless you have to be somewhere at a certain regular time doing something with other humans; something that makes a difference.

If you can't find a way in the door to teach English to adults, go to a women’s shelter, find out what they need and see if you can find a way to get it for them. Sometimes it means no more than cleaning out your closet and giving them some nice clothes, or children's books to read to their kids. Well, for starters. Then you have to start bothering other people to donate their clothes and children's books. :-)

Helping animals can be good too, but I think you need a different kind of feedback, more challenging to your long thoughts, so it's humans for you, at least for a while. Help them. Make their lives easier. That's a sunny occupation and will get rid of the mold in your thinking.

You won’t want to do this, I know. Clearly you feel bitter, a victim of injustice, and you don’t want to help anyone. You might think you have nothing to give. Or that you have to straighten out your life before you can help other people. But trust me, that thinking, justified or not, will keep you weak. Quit looking at the darkness around your shoulders. Look out the window instead.

Now, quit reading my book and fantasizing about getting a job. Just drag your butt out there and do what I'm telling you.

Barbara

(6)

Hi Barbara

I don't know if I will have the time to volunteer as I have to get a job before my savings are all depleted. This means I have to summon up strength that I don't know if I have and put all my time and efforts into earning a living.(even if I have to take anything for now) With the economic times the way they are there are many unemployed and me being 53 years old I don't exactly have youth on my side either. I do so appreciate you taking the time to reply Barbara.

(7)
Not.

If you get dressed and make some calls and volunteer tomorrow, you might have the energy to look for a job the next day or the next week. You'll also have the air of someone who's doing something on this planet that matters. You'll make a better impression in an interview than you can today.

If you stick around your volunteer position for a month or so and give it everything you've got, and you put your heart into never short-changing the people who need your help, you'll probably get hired by the organization, or, at the very least, be given a great letter of recommendation. Showing up and caring about what you do will make you stand out from the crowd. You'll be noticed.

If you don’t do what I'm telling you to do, and pretty quick, you might just stay where you are until all your savings are gone.

You know I'm right. Why didn't you go looking for a job yesterday? You felt lousy, that's why. It's the same reason you won't go looking for a job tomorrow.

Quit writing me letters and start searching the internet for a volunteer opportunity, right now.

Barbara
(7)

Okay, Barbara - I will try my best! You're tough. Thanks.

...................
Well, dear reader, that's the whole exchange. I haven't heard from her, and I have no more muscle to make her do something than you see above. I know that chances are at least 50/50 that she won't act soon enough to avoid being pulled further down into the soup.

So why do I answer letters like this one? Well, I've had enough practice and experience to know that I'm probably right in what I told her. And I get lots of letters that show that sometimes I do make a difference.

For the rest, I just remember what Tracy Kidder said in one of my favorite books, Mountains Beyond Mountains:

"If you do the right thing well, you avoid futility."

He's talking about a true hero, Doctor Paul Farmer. There aren't enough people on this planet like him. He has set himself an almost impossible task - originally to stamp out tuberculosis in Haiti, and he's made amazing progress not only against the disease but against the world-wide organizations and people who block real solutions. But that's not the most almost-impossible task he's set himself. He's throwing everything he has in him at trying to stamp out poverty because he knows it's the true cause of disease.

I'm not a hero, just one of those people who knows a couple of things and isn't afraid to boss people around and tell them what to do. There aren't enough of us, either.

But I'm trying to do something about that, too. I'm helping some wonderful students use their personal experience to help others, so I have reason to expect that soon there will be more bossy people who know what they're talking about walking up to people they recognize as being like themselves, and bossing them around too.

I'm hoping for a groundswell.

:-)

:

Sometimes you have to remember to cry even if you don't know why.

2009-11-21T10:35:00.000-08:00

I have an acceptable reason to cry these days, a reason everyone understands. I lost my Mom last July. Being with her the last months while she was going was rough, but fortunately there was a lot to do so I didn't cry much. But since then, that pain sneaks up on me.

I know from years of experience that when I hurt, I should cry. The problem is that I don't always know when hurt is trying to surface because my big, dumb bodyguard, Resistance (I sometimes call it 'Slugger') thinks it's protecting me from danger by turning the switch on *all* my emotions to 'Off,' and leaving a leaden chestplate in their place.

So this morning I was working here furiously, my 3 computers - the 10 month old, 2 year old and 5 year old - all open at the same time, and I was having fun designing and setting up new programs and scheduling them, tweeting them, checking my Google Alerts and my Twilerts and Tweetbeeps, humming along as I often do at this jolly time of day when I am frequently quite deft at spinning plates -- when I start to notice that I'm getting totally lost every time a computer slows down or 'Spaces' tosses me to the wrong screen. This is not what I want.

It gets worse and my brain finally grinds to a complete standstill. It's gotta be that A.D.D., I'm thinking. I'm familiar with it: a fog shows up from time to time and I find myself staring blankly at my notes and those sites open on my computer screen, all of which so recently seemed significant and now they all look like they're written in Linear B and I'm Tarzan, and don't know how I came to be sitting here in this familiar but incomprehensible world. (I don't think Tarzan works quite right here, but if you have A.D.D., you know what I mean.)

Damn. Well, I can't do anything about an A.D.D. seizure but let it pass, I guess. And then I notice the heaviness of that leaden chestplate and I remember what that usually means: something hurts. But I don't always feel hurt, and even if I did, I might not know what it's about. And even if I did, who wants to experience pain? But I know I'd better try to cry or I'll waste the whole day.

(If you find it odd to acknowledge the presence of emotional hurt when the cause isn't clear, think for a moment. You don't require an explanation of causes when other bodily needs make themselves known. If you don't know why you're sleepy, for example, chances are there's a good reason. Pull over and take a nap.)

I'm familiar with this phenomenon as you know if you've read any of my books or came to see me back when I had time to see people. (New thought: I never got foggy when I was working with a living human. Not once. Hmmm. That's worth exploring later.)

Since I invariably become stupified at such moments and don't remember what to do, I've given myself instructions so simple a microbe would understand: Cry.

Right now, with something so obviously painful in my recent past, I don't need to wonder what hurts. I just have to picture my poor mom going through those weeks of discomfort, delirium and fear and the dam breaks and I'm sobbing again. And when the sobbing has finished shaking me around, the lead in my chest and the confusion in my brain are gone. I know that outcome from experience, I expect it, and it happened that way today. And as soon as I finish telling you about this phenomenon, I'm going back to work.

If you're anything like me (or the thousands of people I've worked with in the last 35 years) you'll find that sometimes the signs of sorrow will sneak up on you when nothing painful has happened at all. At those times it's even harder to remember to get out the tears* because 1) you don't feel hurt, you just feel funny, and 2) there doesn't seem to be anything to cry about. This can present a problem that may not be as hard to solve as a quadratic equation w/ 3 unknowns, but hard enough.

(Ask me another time about how fear, the fear that something bad is about to happen in the near future, is often about your sense that a painful emotion is trying to fight its way to the surface. Which is to say, you're actually afraid that the *past* is about to happen.)

To add to the confusion, it's not always hurt that has surfaced, not exactly. It could be stress. Studies indicate that tears contain stress enzymes, which might mean that releasing tears relieves stress. It could be fear. Children (and some of us grownups) can cry when they're frightened. It could be anger. People who can't or don't want to get really pissed off will sometimes cry from frustration or rage.

I personally believe that you can find some kind of sorrow hiding beneath stress and fear and frustration, but no matter, right now. The point is that if you feel uneasy and/or 'turned off,' bringing up tears will calm you down and wake you up almost every time**. They'll ease your heart and return your eyesight and brain function. They melt lead chestplates like hot water melts ice cubes.

But how are you supposed to cry (not that you've consented to do any such thing, I understand that) when you can't think of anything to cry about? Isn't this 'Cry-just-in-case' thing just another gimmick, like spinning or blinking or rapidly tapping your forehead with a small brass hammer? I doubt it. I'd like to make the case that babies never bother themselves with such questions and they don't seem to care why they want to cry. They cry when they feel like it, and calm down (or doze off) afterwards.

Truth is, for the purpose of quickly relieving numbness, confusion, or the frozen feeling you have before a speech or an audition or an interview or a first date, it doesn't matter what you cry about. It's not even important if you never find out. Think about all the Lassies who never got home from Scotland or how it's raining in Odessa if that works, and the resulting emotion, like an aspirin, will seek out the place it's needed and do its work with no further help from you.

So anyway, I let my tears out and I feel better and will now get back to setting up my new events, taking side trips to read stuff by kind Jonathan Field and wise Havi and finish the assignments for my heroic WriteSpeak students and get new short url's for my youtube videos...etc. etc. Sticks are up, plates are ready to resume spinning.

But I'm going to try to remember one thing that I didn't think about before:

When I'm in a fog, it's not always A.D.D. at all.

Or, if it is, I've found a cure and will expect notification that I've been awarded the Nobel Prize (or at least the host-ship of Oprah's show)in my mailbox.

I'd really love you to comment below. I'll do everything I can (subscribe to my own blog?) to answer you as soon as I can.

Here are those footnotes you forgot about:

*For those of you who find actual wet tears to be maddeningly evasive, some semi-deep breathing -- or a 'woe is me' series of sighs -- will create almost the same benefit.

** If you cry often and easily, bringing up tears probably won't work for you and my advice is to check with your local psychopharmacologist for signs of depression. If you get the all-clear on that, here's a fortune-cookie piece of advice (but it works): grab a tennis racket and beat the living crap out of your stupid, insolent, bed mattress. Have no mercy. Find that part of you that is self-righteously enraged, completely unfair and unforgiving, and just punish that bugger.

What's the logic in that?
Because feelings that won't go away are frequently smokescreens for less acceptable feelings, and this is a harmless way to blow them out without hurting anyone. Well, it's sometimes kind of hard on the tennis racket. You might want to go to a thrift shop and keep a couple of cheap ones on hand. (Don't get a badminton racket or you'll wind up with a splinter in your eye and your mom will get mad at me.)

What motivates you?

2009-10-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

A long time ago I realized that when it comes to motivation, we’re all different.

I used to love making New Year’s resolutions. It always put me in a fantastic mood. A fresh start feels so invigorating. Each time I was just sure I’d buckle down and exercise every day, or write that novel, or get organized once and for all.

Sound familiar?

And have you found, like me, that you always break those promises to yourself? That your resolve melts and you turn back into who you were before that great, invigorating mood filled you?

If this is you, then welcome to the club. Whatever magical energy or character trait has propelled the megasuccesses we see on t.v., it is clear that most of us don’t have it.

Obviously, people like us make up a very big market. In fact, a major industry has emerged, devoted to cheerleading us into positive thinking and self-confidence, believing in ourselves, talking ourselves into being winners. And no matter how many books and programs appear, there is always a need for more of them. How strange that so many people still aren’t able to drive themselves to success. What’s the matter with us?

Were our Puritan forefathers right—that humans are born with bad stuff in them, streaks of laziness and weakness, negative thinking and worse? But then, why would nature allow the survival of such a defective species?

I began to get suspicious. Looking back over the past 30 years, I’ve somehow managed to build a life I love: I do work that excites me, I have good people around me and do a lot of traveling to beautiful places. I’ve published 7 books, speak around the U.S. and Europe, and have people writing me every day saying how helpful my work has been to them. That’s pretty much my whole list for a good life.

I did all of that without self-discipline or improving my character one iota. I complained loudly and often harbored self-doubt in my heart.

But when it comes to my dreams, I found out how to do it.

And so can you. Look back into your past and ask yourself the same question I did: What motivated you? You too have accomplished a lot in your life. You went to school, held a job and/or raised kids. Look at what you’ve accomplished and you will find, as I did, that you have your own energy source. You have instinctively developed ways that motivate you to swing into action and get things done.

You can use those same ways to create a life you love.

Here's how to write yourself a motivational report card\.

I've made a list of all the methods I know that could make us stick to our resolutions. I’m sure you’re familiar with them, and maybe even tried a few. How well did they work for you? Give each one a grade (A to F) for how much they've actually motivated you into action in the past (not how much you wish they worked if you had a better character). Whatever works for you gets an A. Whatever doesn’t, flunk it soundly. It may have done wonders for someone else, but we’re looking for what works for you.

Pull out a pencil and a sheet of paper and copy this list (or copy and paste this into a document and print it out). Then grade each one, and make your comment.

Method Grade Comment

Spirituality

Scolding

Guilt

Lecturing

Competition

Revenge

Fear

Shaming

Taking a Class

Dares

Positive Thinking

Getting Lots of Praise

Repeating Affirmations

Teamwork

Creating your own reality

Promising Yourself a Reward

Help from buddies

Now look at that list. Do you see any patterns in what motivates you and what causes to you fail? I hope you’re starting to understand where the blame belongs for your past defeats. Nothing was wrong with you. You were using the wrong motivational methods, and they held you back as surely as trying to run a race with a stone in your shoe.

If you've answered all these questions, you now you have the right knowledge to take charge of your own motivational program. If you need praise, call your friends and ask them if they can think of anything good about you, and if so, would they tell you. (TiP: Do it by email and you'll be able to read the results when you need them. If you prefer the telephone, head over to one of the free conference call services on the internet so you can record it and play it back at will :-)

If you need to be pushed, set up a buddy system and you can help each other. Or take a class or hire a coach. The structure and accountability really works.

If you work best in a team, pull some people into your project to work with you or just get together once a week and help every member with his or her own goals. If you're really serious about getting somewhere in a short time, check out one of my best ideas: Success Teams www.shersuccessteams.com are now running in cities and towns all over the world and now, on the telephone. See if you can join one today and get the support you need.

And give yourself a break by never again assuming that you should be able to win using someone else’s motivational style. That’s over. You’re the expert on what you need, so listen to yourself!

{adapted from Live The Life You Love in 10 Easy Step-by-Step Lessons, winner of "Best Motivational Book of 1996" from Books For A Better Life Award Commission)

How's your mantra working for you?

2009-08-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

You may be better at positive thinking and self-talk than I am, and I only try to use a mantra when I'm having trouble falling asleep. I also am unsure if the universe really sends us stuff, but if it does, it's responsible for the flu and flat tires along with anything nice. But I don't like anything I can't do, so if any of this stuff works for you, ignore me.

The thing is, I've come to believe that resistance is a primitive, powerful part of our survival mechanism, and it hasn't advanced since the stone age. All it seems to know is that when you get apprehensive about doing something, it smells danger. And when it smells danger, it does everything it can to stop you.

It suddenly makes something else incredibly important (I've really been wanting to do my taxes early this year, I've been meaning to clean out the space under the sink, why not now?), or it makes you suddenly hungry (A sandwich! I need that! Now!) or it comes up with amazingly poor but totally convincing arguments (It won't work anyway, I'm probably too old/unconnected/under-educated/stupid, if I fail I'll look like a total jerk) and the most illogical of all (I never finish anything anyway, why get started?)

It's all about motivation, says the world, and you can't turn around fast without hitting someone trying to motivate you. "Just Do It!" "Believe it and you can surely achieve it!" etc.

Again, if that works for you, ignore me. I personally can't make myself believe something I don't believe and that's that. But even if I could, I know that positive thinking just isn't strong enough to get you around resistance and avoidance. Seems to me there's a whole lot more to it than just saying: 1) I'm doing something wrong, 2) I should stop doing something wrong.

Like, why are you resisting? That's the question that comes into my mind every time I talk to someone who has trouble going after a dream. It's my whole focus on the interactive telephone classes I give as often as I can. And I find the answer, time after time, with everyone I work with.

After decades of this kind of work, I've gotten clever at it. At one writer's retreat I put every single one of the participants through the resistance process, found out what was really stopping them, showed them how to make it simply disappear.

And one of the attendees watched me carefully. When it was over, she called me the Resistance Whisperer, and I guess I love that name better than anything I've ever been called.

It sounds like I'm saying that 'whisperers' have a kind of magic they can do, but that's not it at all. The original 'Horse Whisperer,' Monty Roberts, watched horses, hour after hour, carefully, with the deepest respect, for a very long time. He wanted to understand them so he learned their ways and their language before he made any attempt to teach them. The reason he did that because it pained him to see the way most horses were treated. That's familiar to me, too, but not with horses. With people.

Resistance isn't as gentle and appealing as an animal, but if you want to keep it from crushing your dreams, you'll do well to develop the same respect and understanding as Monty Roberts did for horses.

And for starters, you might decide, as I did, that you'll have to do a bit more to overcome resistance than simply telling yourself to "Just Do It."